Two of my best friends began college this week, and I've really struggled with a lot of aspects of that all of a sudden...
I was jealous of one of my best friends because she is doing everything that I had planned for myself years ago... Now I'm choosing a different path than what I had planned, and I let my insecurities about my choice get in the way of me being happy for what she is choosing for her life. Luckily, I have some amazing sounding boards in my life who called me on my issues. I wish I had been in a place to be happy for her when she most deserved it...
Then my other best friend and I have been struggling on different levels and at different times with my choosing a different path. College was always something that we had planned to do together, and now I'm lamenting that opportunity lost. This stuff got in my way of being happy for this friend when we both really wanted me to be... My dad put it perfectly, and said that even when we know we have to give something up, often we still need to mourn the loss. I thought, then, that maybe mourning that loss and grieving what was given up is actually how it can be let go... I suppose that process is unfinished thus far as, though I am now able to feel happy for my friends in every way, I am still so sad that we won't get to share this experience with each other, like I always thought we would...
So here I want to be open to mourning this road not taken. I'm still honestly incredibly sad that I'm not going to college with my two best friends. But I am also now in a place to feel honestly happy about my decision to move to Monterey and go to school in Germany. And I can understand that the two emotions can coexist and aren't mutually exclusive.
I just want to say now how I appreciate my friends and all that we've shared. I do hope that there will be many more experiences between us in the future. Thank you to my best friends for helping me in so many ways to reach this point in my life. I hope I have ever done the same for you.
Now we are all on to different, even separate, things. But please know that you will always be in my heart, on my mind, and you hold a piece of my soul. I love you both so much. <3
