Adventure #51: Christmas Eve

The days leading up to Christmas have been nothing short of incredible. A couple of lazy days, a few family days, and lots of goodies being baked!

In terms of goodies, I made cupcakes for the first time in too long! I experimented with putting spices in the cream cheese frosting, too. They are so good. We also now have a commendable supply of fudge, lemon winter cake, and peanut butter cookies.

Lately, I've also made a couple of attempts to see my teachers and friends from high school, but to no avail... I had asked my English teacher if I could come visit on Wednesday and she had to cancel last minute... I was more sad than I thought I'd be. I'd been really excited to see her and tell her about all that I've been up to and hear how she's doing. There are so many other teachers and students I was looking forward to seeing, too. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out soon, though! The other event I couldn't make it to went down tonight, where everyone went caroling at my Spanish teacher's house. She lost her son this last year, and she's been on my mind a lot... I so wanted to be there, but my family couldn't find a way to get me there... I'm hoping to send her a letter instead, and let her know I think of her often. She's an amazing woman. I always feel so blessed to have had such incredible teachers in my life. I want to make sure they know it, too.

In other news, I had a great time Skyping my friend Kolby for a couple of hours! Normally I wouldn't write about something quite so specific, but he's been such a great friend to me since I met him, even with all that I've been dealing with. So I just really wanted to take a second to say I appreciate this newfound friendship that's come at a really pivotal time in my life. So thanks, dork :)

And in reference to what's been going on emotionally for me in the recent past, my greatest hope is that all of this will culminate in a new beginning that I've been looking forward to for a very long time. I'm scared to know how things will turn out, but in a strange way, I'm incredibly happy, too. This could be something so wonderful, fulfilling, and loving! I truly hope that I'll be given the chance to find out all that this can become... <3

Last thing! I need to say thank you to all of you! 51 Adventures in just a few months! That's pretty great. And 1,500 views! I honestly never hoped I would gain any kind of following, so it's been a fantastic surprise to find out how many people really are interested in what I'm doing here. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read these and to be invested in my life and my story in this way. It means so much to me. That said, a very happy Christmas Eve to all of you, and goodnight.

Adventure #48: A Spoil Yourself Day

Today was a day. A day of spoils and riches and bubbles. The best day of them all.

My family and I played Clue! I winned and it was fun! It's not a great game for me to employ my hilarious-fake-smack-talk strategy, but we still had a good time!

Then we watched Dead Poets Society together, too. I really love that movie... I recognize the difficulties in the story, in that it is too distant a narrative at times, and somewhat uninvolved in terms of producing the expected effects on the audience, but I still love it. I love that Robin Williams character isn't ever so familiar to us, and that the stories of the different students disrupt the flow of the overall narrative, and that the message in the end is simply upheld. For me, it's a movie that asked me to think about something, and to feel something foreign. I wasn't drug along for the ride, and I'm tending to like that better. Movies and novels that beg the question are my favorite. Others seem to tell you what to ask, then leave you distraught with planted questions pruned back too far, stunted by a final sharp and eerie lilt that is "THE END".

I would much rather be whispered to, and entreated to find meaning in my own life than to be shown exactly where some meaning lies and how it is mine for the grasping.

Wow ok guess it did get me thinking! After the movie, I had the house to myself for a few hours! I played music very loudly and danced in the kitchen. I made a waffle and ate it with ice cream and butter on top :D Then I took a bubble bath that was glorious. And I watched How I Met Your Mother with Bitte until everyone got home :)

I came up with a new technique for my poetry today, too! I'm quite excited about that!

All in all, it was a wonderful day of indulging my sweet tooth, my thoughts, and my mild and temporary case of hedonism.

Adventure #42: Apartment Hunting

For the first time ever, I will be looking for a place to live on my own! It's pretty scary, I must admit. My two best options that I can afford are both an option for a lease takeover, and I don't know all of what that means... And I don't have a job yet. The vehicle that we have for me to drive isn't running yet, so I haven't had a chance to get into Boise to pick up and drop off applications. But! It will all work out somehow, I'm sure. 

So tomorrow, I will be checking out an apartment that's only a half a mile from BSU! And it's in my price range! Craziness. Hopefully I will hear back from my other two options soon, and I'll check those out once I do. 

Aaaaagh this is so exciting! :D

They finally are able to process my application for school now, too. This whole process has been a huge test of my faith and optimism... I have had to catch myself several times now talking myself into worries and fears. It has not been easy, but I'm so glad that I'm finally doing this. I'm so ready, and I don't really care if it's scary cause it's gonna get done. So there. 

In other good news, my step mom and I had a really good day together. We were able to talk for quite a while about possible living situations for me, the divine feminine archetype, and a bunch of other fascinating things. It was really nice... She also told me about a moment recently where she and I had been arguing, and just all of a sudden she didn't see me as just her daughter anymore... She saw me as the strong and powerful woman that I'm becoming. That meant a lot to me that she can see that in me, and that she would be willing to tell me so plainly that she really does... I am grateful. 

And to the best goober ever: I miss you so much. Thank you for being you <3

Adventure #39: Finally Kind of an Adult

Adulting! Yes, Google, that is most definitely a real word because I said so ok.

I made phone calls today. I called BSU about my application status and deadline. (I missed the November 15th deadline for all of my admissions materials because they sent me a letter saying what else they needed, and I didn't come home until last Wednesday for Thanksgiving... And whoever put the letter in my room didn't think to tell me that I got a letter from the university I will be attending in the spring. But whatever because admissions lady said it won't change anything for me since I'm an in-state applicant. Yay!) Unnecessary information.

I called to schedule my driving skills test for tomorrow morning, too! Wish me luck! I passed the written test today, and I have no idea why I was ever worried about it... Thanks IB for making me a fantastic test taker.

I called my high school to please have them mail another copy of my transcripts to BSU. Yay again!

And my step mom and I got into another argument. All I wanted to do was call my favorite goober and be consoled, but I walked over to my Gramma's house instead because she loves me, too. We took a nap, watched an interview with Mikhail B. Khodorkovsky of the Open Russia Foundation on the news, ate mac salad, and chopped up apples for applesauce. It was a good day. My Gramma is also the one who took me to my test today, and I'm so grateful for her. <3

I started reading Emma, yesterday and it is very enjoyable. It has been way too long since I've read a book, and I'm so happy to be doing it again... God I've missed books... This is for a scholarship that I'll be applying for in May, too, so it's for fun and for monies. I'm excited to be writing analytically again, too!

Also I went for a walk on Saturday. It was so gorgeous... The air was perfectly crisp, the light was soft and blue, and the clouds were impeccably wispy.

Anywho, that's pretty much it for the last couple of days... Wish me luck on tests and applications and all, if you can spare a few good thoughts :) Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening <3

Adventure #37: Thanksgiving 2016

It's Thanksgiving! I'm actually having a not good day, and I need to write... I'm just feeling so many things. Everything is starting to change again and it's hard to feel like I don't have to give in to the chaos...

I need different people in my life. I need more people who are solid. More people like my dad, my gramma, and my counselor... I've learned that I can be myself no matter what is going on around me, but people who don't make chaos and don't have expectations for others make that so much easier... It makes me cry to think that we do that to each other. That we push other people away from their truest selves so that we can feel the smallest bit better about our own lives. I'm tired... I'm tired of people trying to do that to me, because even though I know I'm strong enough to fight it, it's nothing short of exhausting...

So on this Thanksgiving, I am grateful, and exhausted. I'm so thankful for two of my best friends that have been there for me the past few days as I've had to deal with something incredibly confusing and painful. I'm thankful that I have my childhood home to come back to... Sometimes I think the actual house offers me more surety than the people in it, but it still means a lot to me to be home... I'm grateful that I got to see my best friend yesterday. It had been way to long... I'm grateful for the newest women in my life who are an incredible support system. I'm grateful for everyone who has helped to provide for me these last several months of my life. I'm grateful for so many things...

Everyday, I find something new to appreciate about this beautiful world and all its people.

And I'm exhausted. I'm tired of seeing all the tragic news about Standing Rock. I'm tired of uneducated consumerism, I'm tired of the suffering in the world, and I woke up today thinking that there might be rest for us today... But there isn't. There is chaos, there is confusion, and there is pain.

But let's be grateful anyway... Please, today of all days, we can be grateful.

Adventure #29: Unnaturally Lazy Day

Yeah, I watched Supernatural with my sister practically all day. I guess I did do a few adult things, like laundry, printing an application, doing the dishes, and contacting my eye doctor... I also played Pokemon. While I watched Supernatural. It was wonderful.

Also, Imitation Game is on Netflix, and I desperately need to watch it with someone. Preferably someone who hasn't seen it yet, but I can compromise. My parents didn't know I was coming home yesterday, so they watched it without me :'/ I'll survive, though, don't you worry. This one's a fighter. Most days.

Hmmm... Other updates? My first Etsy sale should have been delivered today, so hopefully I'll hear back from the customer about what she thinks :) In other news, I'm planning on moving out (again) tomorrow. I left last week and then came back home the next day so that I could get ready for this last minute road trip xD So this is more for real now. Scary and exciting. Will post updates. Still have more laundry to do.

And I believe that's all for now! Have a lovely rest of your night, dear readers <3

Adventure #28: To Albany to Home

We left early on Thursday morning out of Tacoma to head for Albany to visit my second cousin, and my Gramma's niece! We decided to come down highway 101 for the scenery and because my Gramma and I are cocky women who knew we could beat the worst of that monstrous looming storm. Haha so actually we did beat the worst of the storm. We had a few minutes where the winds were really bad and the rain was even worse, but that maybe only lasted for a half hour before we were back to the normal heavy rainfall.

Map of Our Route For the Trip

The drive was so beautiful! I was in awe the entire way. I'm still amazed that everything could be so green. We stopped a few places to walk in the rain, take pictures, and to drive across and back on the bridge in Astoria. I loved seeing my cousin, too. She's the sweetest person ever, and their family is going through a rough time right now, so I hope that my Gramma and I were able to cheer her up a little bit. Love you, Heidi <3

Astoria, Hwy 101

Pancho Gramma <3

Homies

Almost Home

Nap Time for Murdoch

Adventure #27: Reacquainted With The Rain

Listen to Giueseppe play the trumpet, he's so good.

Gramma jerks the wheel often. Tiny jerks. Little overcorrections that leave her and I in the Jeep twitching, wiggling side to side in the lane.

Rain flicks the car incessantly. A little brother poking you until the sensation softens and that small area on your arm turns numb. My ears become numb to the flicks and whips of the drops, and the sounds blur together into... Now I'm listening too closely.

The outpour collects on leaves above. Plopping clacking marbles down down on us. Smatterings of marble sky kisses.

Droplets blur together into rivulets into rivers. I hear their rivers, sometimes.

The sound and sight and sensation of the rain. The aura of rain. It seeps into our minds, our own personal fog. My Gramma's movements are softened as the rain flows through her arms, over her bones, weighing her hands.

The overcorrections are fluid, now a subtle weaving. Puddles on the road assist in tugging the Jeep to one side or another. Millions of tiny hydrogen bond hands pluck at rubber tires. Thank you, little puddles. Do you hear your rivers, too, sometimes?

Adventure #26: Long Walks on the Beach

My wonderful cousins and aunt took me to the beach at Chambers Bay today! It was grey and perfect outside. We could hear harbor seals, and even got to watch one catch a fish. And then he ate it! Yay seals!

We also made a game out of finding the weirdest things that we could on the beach. There were many. Such a great day with my crazy family <3

Locked in Love

Sea Snot? Ocean Barf?

Multi-Tasker

Just a Corn Cob

Missed the Party

I said, "It's bigger than you!" but she didn't hear me.
So she said, "It's bigger than me!"
Also his name was Gary.
She said we took him to the moon.
I told her I'd be sure to inform the world.
She didn't believe me.

Through  the Grate and Down Below

Adventure #25: Dat Glass

Aaaaagh I love this city. I haven't been here for two and a half years, but I remembered the streets and buildings so clearly. It's such a beautiful place.

So I got to spend the day with my aunt, my cousins, and my Gramma. We visited the glass museum (Kind of. There are installations that are outside the actual museum, soooo you don't have to pay to see those.) and walked around downtown Tacoma for a while. Because I know way less about these installations than the museum probably does, if any of these pique your interest, here is the link to the Museum of Glass.

And oh! I forgot something! This paragraph is being written five days late, but whatever. My aunt left me at a coffee shop for a few hours, too, and I kind of had an adventure there. I looked through a book about the traditions of pilgrimages to the holy lands. I drank cocoa. I also took my shoes off so that I could sit cross legged in the chair, and nobody looked at me funny. And a couple of guys approached me to talk about religion. That was super cool. Their names were Andre and Sergei, and we just kind of philosophized for an hour. They seemed kind of surprised that I was on board with what we were talking about, and that I was pushing the ideas, even though I told them I don't always identify as a christian. They prayed, we talked about our lives, God, freedom, purpose, and Germany. It was so cool to meet two people like them. They were just really open, passionate, and interesting people. So glad I got to experience such a meaningful conversation with complete strangers!

Note: People look at you strangely if you do
a photographers pose in the middle of a museum.
Especially if they didn't see the rainbow.

Adventure #24: To Tacoma, Through Vancouver

We're on a trip! My Gramma asked me a few days ago if I needed to get out of the house as badly as she did, and I said yes. So we're driving to Vancouver, Tacoma, and Albany to visit a few family members.

On our first day, we drove to Vancouver from home and got there around 6pm Pacific Time. I got to drive for about 4 hours straight, including some in Portland traffic, but my Gramma didn't know where to tell me to go, so that was really scary a couple of times... I didn't do anything crazy, but she did have me take the next exit off the freeway so that she could drive and I could navigate by way of our lord and savior, Google Maps. I exited toward the airport, so there were several more turns and exits to take before I found a Wendy's parking lot! And then we had dinner because yes.

We made it to her friend's house in Vancouver, and I have never been so at ease around two old ladies before. This woman's house was so full of things, meaning plates, decorations, tea cups, cloths, lights, and books! In the past, when I've witnessed such a full house, the woman living inside it clings to her possessions to stave off loneliness and boredom. There is nothing wrong with such things, but the nature of it has meant I haven't felt comfortable in those kinds of places. However, this woman's house felt cozy. And like all of her possessions were there to be put to use. She collects plates and china because she is a professional tea-teacher! Well, actually a "Certified Tea Etiquette Consultant" according to her business card. She was so sweet and made us the best tea ever. I'm so glad I got to meet her!

We also had stopped at the Columbia River Gorge because it's so gorgeous and windy. The last time I had traveled this route, too, I had several snapchats of the river and I put little boat and cloud and sun stickers on them ^.^

So! Thanks for the read! And here are way too many selfies of me, one picture of the gorge, one of the view over Tacoma from our hotel, and one of my adventure buddy, Murdoch <3

Murdoch is a tiny homie

So Koi

Das me

Contrast

Windy Business

Columbia River Gorge

Tacoma, WA

Adventure #23: To Grandmother's House I Go

I kinda ran away from home for a little bit today. My step mom and I had another hurtful and stupid argument about the dishes. She laughed at what I was saying several times, so I never really felt strong enough to truly explain how I was feeling and why... So that sucked.

I had a really tough morning talking with my best friend about our relationship and where we need to head next, too... I feel okay in the deepest levels of myself, but for many reasons, every other level just wants to cry whenever I think about him... Do prepare yourselves for poetry or the like that is wrought with self-reflection and life-reflection. I think it will be a really powerful tool for me, to keep writing. This blog helps so much, too, because it's like a journal, but someone actually is listening. So to whomever, everyone, and a someone, thank you for listening.

Because of previously described morning, I did the dishes, and I walked over to my Gramma's house. I live out in the middle of nowhere, so I have been more than grateful on many occasions that I have such a wonderful and caring Gramma who has always been willing to step in as a mother figure when I needed one. So she talked with me, gave me hugs, advice, and encouragement. She took me with her to the grocery store because she, more than anyone, understands the need to just move forward physically to help the mind move forward in tandem.

I taught her about leave-in conditioners because she is growing her hair out a little. She likes to french braid it or put it in a short ponytail, and it makes me happy for her because she remains unafraid of change in her life and her person. I helped her pick out a card for the family of a friend of hers who had died. She gave me a few dollars to go buy something to eat because I'd forgotten until I smelled grocery store smells. She bought a pizza for my Grandpa to eat while she and I are away this coming week.  And then she drove me home, once I made sure that my dad was home, too.

So, shoutout to one of the best Grammas in the world: I've had a lot of mother figures in my life, and you have been one to me whenever I needed it most. You mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful for what you have taught me through your wise words and shown me through your kind actions. <3

Adventure #20: Maybe Moved In, Learning to Move On

Hey! I've moved! I'm now living in Meridian, ID with some close family friends. It's not as big of a leap that I'd hoped for, but it's a step in the right direction, I believe. It's kind of a trial period for now, where they're letting me stay here for a little while until I'm sure this will work for me, and if it does, then I might stay. And I definitely cried a lot while I was on the phone with my Dad last night... I miss him so much already...

This time in my life has been so huge in terms of transition. One of my sets of parents got a divorce this summer, all of my friends started college, I graduated, I moved out (maybe), I started a blog, started an Etsy store, I'm writing a novel, my relationship with my best friend and boyfriend of many years has been changing in many ways, and I'm still working on going to Germany soon. It's been amazing to have this blog, too, and to reflect and appreciate all that's been going on in my life. I don't know that I would have appreciated it all quite so completely if I hadn't been sharing it along the way. So I'm very glad that I have had this opportunity, and I hope that it's been valuable to some of you in any way, too!

All of these transitions mean this has been one of the most powerful times in my life, and also the most difficult. I don't know that I have ever felt so much uncertainty so often. I'm learning so much about myself, and while there have been a lot of tears, there also is a great new sense of awareness forming. I'm excited, terrified, sad, confused, and content all at once, almost all the time, lately. But in the deepest part of me, no matter how much turmoil I feel around me, I am becoming still and quiet, for the first time.

To all of you and any of you who read this, thank you for being a part of my journey. <3

Adventure #17: The Phoenix

Damn! Already missed a day. Oh well. It's the thought that counts, yeah?

So today was a really amazing day. I refer to the Phoenix in the title of this post because I think there are a lot of lessons for me to learn right now in terms of what beginnings and endings really are, and what they can be for me.

Today is a perfect example. I spoke with my dad about moving out and we gained both closure and and agreement about how to move forward. I went to a wedding of a good friend of mine, and promises and commitments, meant for enhancing and ensconcing the love between them, were made. I spent 5 hours making barefoot sandals for the bride, which was definitely new... And all of the other beginnings and endings, newness and oldness, I couldn't describe it to you, yet... But I saw it, felt it, everywhere today.

My boyfriend and I broke up today, too. That one has been more difficult already than I thought it would be... I'm choosing to support him in his choice to be alone for however long it takes for him to find himself. And I'm struggling because even though I had broken up with him for the same thing before, I still had this fantasy that somehow we could find our individuality, together. I'm learning very quickly that it's so important for me to leave him be... And I understand that this can be a powerful opportunity for me, as well. Maybe even if we aren't walking together, we can still walk parallel paths toward self-discovery. That is my hope, at least.

So here's to leaving the door open for new lessons and understanding. Here's to knowing when it's time to be reborn from the ashes of what has been. And here's to accepting the end that must occur for the sake of the rebirth that is to be fueled by newfound potential.

Adventure #16: A Weeks Worth of Adventures

Okay! Commitment time. I haven't been posting every day... I promised myself that I would, and now it's time to make good on my word. I'm committing again to post every day because not every post needs to be fantastic and have pictures, I just need to be furthering my perspective and embracing living my everyday life passionately from wherever I am.

So to kick off this renewed pledge, a summary of recent and tiny adventures!

Let's see. I made muffins today. My step-mom buys boxed muffins mixes and then since the mixes are in the house and they aren't used very often, sometimes I get on a roll and use them all up! So the mix was for almond poppyseed muffins, but my dad and I prefer the lemon ones. So I mixed in lemon zest and lemon juice, and I think they're way better that way xD

I tried a new lotion. Fascinating. One of my friends had given me some samples, and so I went with it. One of them was not a face lotion, and my skin is currently regressing to its stressed out 9th grader state. But! Then the other lotion was definitely a face lotion. It was Juice Beauty, the business started byyyyy what's her name omg I practiced this Gwyneth Paltrow! There we go. It was awesome, too. It smelled so frappin good and made my skin feel all soft and nice. I was surprised, too! After just a few minutes of letting it settle, there was no sheen or anything but it still felt great. So when I become rich, I'll definitely invest in the stuff.

What else what else. Ah! Sleepover with my boyfriend. He and I have been together for the larger part of the last 7 years, and this was the first time we'd gotten to do this. It definitely was an adventure. I am a very warm sleeper, twin bed, and he's 6ft tall, but it actually went quite smoothly (maybe my late night sneezing fit was the exception). It was as cute and cuddly and practical as I could have imagined ^.^

I also have added some new items to my Etsy store! Including a custom listing option since now I have my fancy paper. I'm a mild nerd about paper now, and I like that about myself, so yeah. Here's the link again to my Etsy store cause I have to shamelessly self-advertise: SansPoetry

I'm going to write a novel! I'm doing Nanowrimo this year (the link if you haven't heard of it before), and am currently working on idea planning and stuffs. I'm honestly super excited, and I will most likely post often on the blog about this as it will be an every day thing in November. I'll link to my profile on the website soon, too, so that you can follow me along that way and we can collaborate if you're doing it, too :)

I went to my first women's circle this past weekend! It was amazing, and I really learned so much. The class is called "I am Woman" and it's about understanding and discovering the true feminine nature and how it applies to ourselves. Cool stuff. I might post more in detail about it later, but I'm undecided right now because the nature of the content can be very personal, and I'd like to go all out or not at all instead of trying to censor such important things.

Last update: I might be moving out soon! My friend in Monterey that I was going to stay with is likely moving back home very soon, so that didn't work out, but oh well. A new opportunity has arisen due to the kindness of wonderful people, and it's in the works. Will update.

Okay, cool! I've been up to more things than I thought... Thanks for the read, and peace to you all! <3

Adventure #13: Today's the Day

I say 'Today's the Day' because today was all about me letting it just be today. I didn't worry much, wandered around the yard with my nephew, and lived in the moment for the majority of the day. This time that I've had to just relax and become myself has been incredibly powerful, but today felt especially so. Meaningful conversations were had, tears fell, movies were watched, and rocks were thrown. Today was the day, and it was amazing.

Shaking the Earth

Earth Bender in Training

Perfect Stance

Storm Clouds Reflecting the Sunset

A Beautiful End to a Wonderful Day