The tree does not halt its growth in fear of casting a shadow.

Yet, my dear,
you would stunt your own limbs,
for as much light as you hope to gather,
Fear of the shadow you cast is greater.

Let me remind you of your whole.
Your dual being that is both
Light catcher
and dark shedder.

I will joyfully climb your tallest branches to
bask in our sunlight
bathe in the glow of your upmost.

I will gratefully rest in your shadows to
drape the chill upon sun warmed skin
know the breeze stroking eyelids closed.

I will gaze up at your many leaves,
green and dark green
lit and shaded,
in awe and fascination.

And the night
illuminated by the lone moon 
sans sights of the light and darkness,
there you stand.

Skyward tendrils aching
Earth bound roots creaking
Visceral and ethereal
You are Whole.

Adventure #51: Christmas Eve

The days leading up to Christmas have been nothing short of incredible. A couple of lazy days, a few family days, and lots of goodies being baked!

In terms of goodies, I made cupcakes for the first time in too long! I experimented with putting spices in the cream cheese frosting, too. They are so good. We also now have a commendable supply of fudge, lemon winter cake, and peanut butter cookies.

Lately, I've also made a couple of attempts to see my teachers and friends from high school, but to no avail... I had asked my English teacher if I could come visit on Wednesday and she had to cancel last minute... I was more sad than I thought I'd be. I'd been really excited to see her and tell her about all that I've been up to and hear how she's doing. There are so many other teachers and students I was looking forward to seeing, too. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out soon, though! The other event I couldn't make it to went down tonight, where everyone went caroling at my Spanish teacher's house. She lost her son this last year, and she's been on my mind a lot... I so wanted to be there, but my family couldn't find a way to get me there... I'm hoping to send her a letter instead, and let her know I think of her often. She's an amazing woman. I always feel so blessed to have had such incredible teachers in my life. I want to make sure they know it, too.

In other news, I had a great time Skyping my friend Kolby for a couple of hours! Normally I wouldn't write about something quite so specific, but he's been such a great friend to me since I met him, even with all that I've been dealing with. So I just really wanted to take a second to say I appreciate this newfound friendship that's come at a really pivotal time in my life. So thanks, dork :)

And in reference to what's been going on emotionally for me in the recent past, my greatest hope is that all of this will culminate in a new beginning that I've been looking forward to for a very long time. I'm scared to know how things will turn out, but in a strange way, I'm incredibly happy, too. This could be something so wonderful, fulfilling, and loving! I truly hope that I'll be given the chance to find out all that this can become... <3

Last thing! I need to say thank you to all of you! 51 Adventures in just a few months! That's pretty great. And 1,500 views! I honestly never hoped I would gain any kind of following, so it's been a fantastic surprise to find out how many people really are interested in what I'm doing here. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read these and to be invested in my life and my story in this way. It means so much to me. That said, a very happy Christmas Eve to all of you, and goodnight.

Adventure #50: Sleepless

I can't sleep... Rather, I don't want to sleep. The last few nights have been restless and emotional for me... Usually I can sleep no matter what, but I'm too worried tonight. I never have nightmares, either, but I've had some very unsettling dreams.

I've been trying to write, but I've been avoiding too many fears and possibilities for too long... The next plan is to lie on the floor and listen to music until I feel better. I may also make a grilled cheese. We shall see.

I wish I wanted to sleep, but thank goodness for friends who don't want to sleep, either. Sweet dreams to you all, and to all a good night.

Adventure #49: Altschmerz

My best friend, whose name is also David, has started a blog of his own! Virginia Woolfe would be proud of his musings on existentialism, his doodles-to-come, and his impeccable word choice. I've really enjoyed reading his thoughts so far, and I'm so excited to see what else he ends up writing! If you trust my opinion at all, I suggest checking out his blog because he is a very talented writer, an accomplished thinker, and the funniest person I have ever met.

Here is his blog: Altschmerz. Intrigued? You really should be.

Adventure #48: A Spoil Yourself Day

Today was a day. A day of spoils and riches and bubbles. The best day of them all.

My family and I played Clue! I winned and it was fun! It's not a great game for me to employ my hilarious-fake-smack-talk strategy, but we still had a good time!

Then we watched Dead Poets Society together, too. I really love that movie... I recognize the difficulties in the story, in that it is too distant a narrative at times, and somewhat uninvolved in terms of producing the expected effects on the audience, but I still love it. I love that Robin Williams character isn't ever so familiar to us, and that the stories of the different students disrupt the flow of the overall narrative, and that the message in the end is simply upheld. For me, it's a movie that asked me to think about something, and to feel something foreign. I wasn't drug along for the ride, and I'm tending to like that better. Movies and novels that beg the question are my favorite. Others seem to tell you what to ask, then leave you distraught with planted questions pruned back too far, stunted by a final sharp and eerie lilt that is "THE END".

I would much rather be whispered to, and entreated to find meaning in my own life than to be shown exactly where some meaning lies and how it is mine for the grasping.

Wow ok guess it did get me thinking! After the movie, I had the house to myself for a few hours! I played music very loudly and danced in the kitchen. I made a waffle and ate it with ice cream and butter on top :D Then I took a bubble bath that was glorious. And I watched How I Met Your Mother with Bitte until everyone got home :)

I came up with a new technique for my poetry today, too! I'm quite excited about that!

All in all, it was a wonderful day of indulging my sweet tooth, my thoughts, and my mild and temporary case of hedonism.

Adventure #47: Christmas Gifts!

Yesterday, I got to put together Christmas Gifts for my friends and my family! I was such a fun day of music and wrapping paper. My step mom got me a little worried that I'd given too many gifts to one of my friends, but two of them I'd gotten before Christmas and hadn't had a chance to give them to him... So hopefully he doesn't feel like it's too much, and knows that I just give gifts cause I like to :) As for gifts for my family, I sent my little brother and sister books and little stuffed animals that are so cute! I made a typewriter print for my other mom, and found a way to overlay a drawing of mine! I'm really happy with how it turned out :)

Today I'm making a gift for a gift exchange in my women's class, and I think it will turn out great, too ^.^ I might post pictures. I just realized I probably don't post pictures often enough because it's a huge hassle with my phone... I'll try to be better about that.

In other news, I'd forgotten how comfy my unicorn kigurumi is! I don't plan on forgetting that again!

In other other news, registering for classes at BSU has been a pain, but I think I've almost got it figured out! I have to wait for a couple of professors to send me permission numbers for a couple of my courses, and then I'm all signed up! I managed to schedule everything, too, so that I'm done by noon every day. I'm super excited about that.

So yes. Thanks for Christmas, friends and family, unicorns, and good school advisers!

Adventure #46: Day of Solitude

I got to spend today all by myself at home! I've just been at home by myself all day, reading by the fireplace. My favorite story that I read was called Manawee, and the analysis of it was so cool! The story holds so many parallels to my life, and it gave me a new way to appreciate my best friend and all that he is to me. It was a great day <3

Then I also listened to dramatic music while I made grilled cheese for dinner. Then I made another grilled cheese at 1am and ate it while I watched How I Met Your Mother. Grilled cheese is the best. 

Adventure #45: Boise State Bound!

I got my acceptance letter! It came yesterday in the mail while I was hanging out at BSU. I was visiting to check out the house with the three girls I could live with, and I decided I really would like to live with them! They seem like really amazing and kind people. The house is really old and adorable, too. I'll have my own room, I will need to invest in lamps, and they have cats ^.^ I'm so excited to be living with three women who's company I genuinely enjoy and in a house where I really could feel at home.

I won't be able to move in until February, so that means I will be living at home and couch crashing for the month of January most likely, but I'm actually totally okay with that xD It'll be so worth it.

Also! I convinced them that we need a kotatsu!!! They were totally on board, and that's when I figured this was meant to be.

Other miscellaneous adventures of late: I introduced my friend Kolby to the Flying M, and he thought it was pretty great. Also I'm making cookies right now because I needed them. And I'd forgotten how much I love making and finding gifts for people! I wish I had more money with which to give gifts, but I'm digging into my savings a bit to make it happen this year. I love it. I've done some writing lately, too! It was amazing! It had been too long. I'm reading again, too! I read 1984, and then had another dry spell... I don't know what was going on, but I'm glad it's over.

So yays for new friends, kotatsu's, coffee, Christmas, and books.

Adventure #44: A Walk in Winter

I walked...

Not to escape

But rather to grant myself

the crystal air

untouched snow

and slowing river

Companions to my restless thoughts. 

Adventure #43: Acquaintances and Succulents

On Friday, I finally got to visit my friends at BSU! We got Dutch, played with a kitten named Charlie, traipsed around Winco, and made a blanket fort! My friend Kolby and I stayed up super late talking on Friday night, too. It was really great because it's been too long since I've had a friend around who I could talk to like that... I needed to be reminded of how important it is for me to communicate with other people on such a significant level. Then the next night, I stayed up and just hung out (which means fell asleep on the floor) while Kolby and his best friend Derek played League. That was fun for me, too, cause I kept waking up laughing at their jokes xD Then we slept in the blanket fort until about 4 in the afternoon. I wish I had pictures of it! It was so cute all lit up with Christmas lights ^.^

Prince Charlie crouches behind my shoe for protection

From when it first snowed this winter!

I also was able to talk on the phone with one of my favorite humans ever, and she and I might be able to see each other when she makes it home for the holidays!

As for the succulents part of this post title, I got to buy some new glassware to celebrate me finding a place to live! Until this morning, it was practically a done deal, but a new option just fell into my lap. So I'm considering that and working on meeting with the three other girls I might be able to live with! They seem like such amazing people, and I could live in a house with a lower rent than the apartment I was planning on. So we'll see! But either way, there will be plants!

Future Homes for Plants

Whatever happens, I'm scared, excited, and grateful. It was so wonderful to see my oldest friends, and to get to spend time with brand new ones. I'm looking forward to living on my own, growing some plants, and making friends with more new people.

Adventure #42: Apartment Hunting

For the first time ever, I will be looking for a place to live on my own! It's pretty scary, I must admit. My two best options that I can afford are both an option for a lease takeover, and I don't know all of what that means... And I don't have a job yet. The vehicle that we have for me to drive isn't running yet, so I haven't had a chance to get into Boise to pick up and drop off applications. But! It will all work out somehow, I'm sure. 

So tomorrow, I will be checking out an apartment that's only a half a mile from BSU! And it's in my price range! Craziness. Hopefully I will hear back from my other two options soon, and I'll check those out once I do. 

Aaaaagh this is so exciting! :D

They finally are able to process my application for school now, too. This whole process has been a huge test of my faith and optimism... I have had to catch myself several times now talking myself into worries and fears. It has not been easy, but I'm so glad that I'm finally doing this. I'm so ready, and I don't really care if it's scary cause it's gonna get done. So there. 

In other good news, my step mom and I had a really good day together. We were able to talk for quite a while about possible living situations for me, the divine feminine archetype, and a bunch of other fascinating things. It was really nice... She also told me about a moment recently where she and I had been arguing, and just all of a sudden she didn't see me as just her daughter anymore... She saw me as the strong and powerful woman that I'm becoming. That meant a lot to me that she can see that in me, and that she would be willing to tell me so plainly that she really does... I am grateful. 

And to the best goober ever: I miss you so much. Thank you for being you <3

Adventure #41: One Year Ago

One year ago today, November 30th, was the day of my friend Trey Luginbill's death.

Ashton woke up today and was feeling down... I had no idea what today was going to look like, and I just hoped that she would be okay. She wanted to do something special for him, and I told her we should think about it and do something small together.

I think what we ended up doing was just choosing to be happy today... It snowed today... For the first time this winter, it snowed, and I would be lying if I said it didn't feel like a gift. It felt like millions of tiny white blessings falling from the sky and melting on the earth. I got to walk outside as the flakes were falling, and they melted into droplets on my glasses, in my hair, and on all of my clothes. It was wonderful... I got to see everyone else walking in the snow, as all of them were smiling at each other, and some were holding their hands up to the sky. I couldn't help but smile and think about him.

A year ago, I sent this message to Trey the day I found out that he had committed suicide.

I don't know how to think about this... I'm wishing that we'd been closer and then maybe I could have stopped you... you're the last person I ever would have thought... God I wish I'd just told you I cared!! I always did, how could I not? You're amazing. I'm sorry for what this world has done to you. I love the world and I hate that it's hurt you so much... I'm being selfish, too, and wishing I could understand.
I love you, and I wish the best for you.

I still don't always know how to think about what happened... I do still wish I had known to say more to you. I do still love this world, and hate what it does to people... But I won't be selfish anymore. I won't be stuck trying to understand why you did this, or what could have been different, or what I could have done.

What I will do is continue to live how I did today. I chose to carry on your kindness. I remembered you today. I lived joyfully today. And I will love you always.

I promise.

Adventure #40: Legal Vehicle Operator

I can drive now! I passed my test yesterday morning! The only things that I missed were that I forgot to be sure he could see me glancing left and right at an intersection, and I was so nervous that I couldn't remember all of the steps it takes to park the car and get out... But oh well.

So once we can get our Durango running, I can actually use this newfound ability of mine xD I'm gonna start my job hunt in Boise once I can drive out there cause I want to start work as soon as I can to start saving for while I'm in school, figuring out how much I can work, and be trained and everything. I'm also going to finally get to see my friends at BSU! It's been difficult to get over there to see anybody, and I'm so excited that I can now :)

I'm thinking I will change my major at BSU, too. I had been thinking that I would start off studying psychology because it's really interesting and I thought I might be able to use a degree in that to help people... I've been getting closer to understanding how it is that I actually can help people, though, and analyzing their behaviours isn't the way. It's fascinating, but it won't be productive in the long run. So I am going to try to be extra brave and pursue degrees that will help me to inspire people to care and feel and appreciate more in life... The goal is still a little fuzzy in my head, but I know it will change and become clearer as I continue to pursue what I love and use it to fulfill my purpose.

Hmm... Also we ate ice cream last night to celebrate. It was good.

Adventure #39: Finally Kind of an Adult

Adulting! Yes, Google, that is most definitely a real word because I said so ok.

I made phone calls today. I called BSU about my application status and deadline. (I missed the November 15th deadline for all of my admissions materials because they sent me a letter saying what else they needed, and I didn't come home until last Wednesday for Thanksgiving... And whoever put the letter in my room didn't think to tell me that I got a letter from the university I will be attending in the spring. But whatever because admissions lady said it won't change anything for me since I'm an in-state applicant. Yay!) Unnecessary information.

I called to schedule my driving skills test for tomorrow morning, too! Wish me luck! I passed the written test today, and I have no idea why I was ever worried about it... Thanks IB for making me a fantastic test taker.

I called my high school to please have them mail another copy of my transcripts to BSU. Yay again!

And my step mom and I got into another argument. All I wanted to do was call my favorite goober and be consoled, but I walked over to my Gramma's house instead because she loves me, too. We took a nap, watched an interview with Mikhail B. Khodorkovsky of the Open Russia Foundation on the news, ate mac salad, and chopped up apples for applesauce. It was a good day. My Gramma is also the one who took me to my test today, and I'm so grateful for her. <3

I started reading Emma, yesterday and it is very enjoyable. It has been way too long since I've read a book, and I'm so happy to be doing it again... God I've missed books... This is for a scholarship that I'll be applying for in May, too, so it's for fun and for monies. I'm excited to be writing analytically again, too!

Also I went for a walk on Saturday. It was so gorgeous... The air was perfectly crisp, the light was soft and blue, and the clouds were impeccably wispy.

Anywho, that's pretty much it for the last couple of days... Wish me luck on tests and applications and all, if you can spare a few good thoughts :) Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening <3

Adventure #38: Let be.

For some reason, I haven't been able to get this passage out of my head today... So here is my attempt to analyse it and try to discover why it is vexing me.

In Act V Scene ii of Hamlet, Laertes has challenged Hamlet to a duel, and Horatio acts as the last advocate for Hamlet to acknowledge his true nature that he has long denied himself. Hamlet has just dismissed his true feelings as a woman's misgivings, saying "how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter." Horatio has told Hamlet, "If your mind dislike anything, obey it..." entreating Hamlet, if he is to deny his feelings, to at least deny his thoughts no longer. Hamlet rejects Horatio's plea through a dismissal of the significance of this choice and the significance of his own being, and so ensconces himself further within his chosen philosophy, sealing his fate.

Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special providence in
the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be
not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come:
the readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he leaves,
what is't to leave betimes?

Hamlet recognizes that while there is fate, there is also the human desire to decide it for ourselves. 

Our indiscretion sometime serves us well,
When our deep plots do fail; and that should teach us
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will.

In the end, it seems we are but little birds, knowing not of what we will leave, yet free to live our lives intentionally, recklessly, and fatefully.

To Breathe in Sadness

The most immense sadness I have known is felt in waves. This sadness gently rushes itself ashore, droplet tears burn, soft sands churn. Sadness breaks over pebbles, returning to the sea. Tears slip past blonde lashes, caressing flush cheeks.

A sadness that repeats itself in moments of understanding... Each brush of ocean on weathered shore draws breath in and out. In as grains tumble, chest broadens, shoulders lift, tension between potential, pain, and perseverance is held in open lungs. Out as bubbles spin and tendrils recede, release  of  tension. Empty lungs flooded by acceptance. And breathe... Breathing in sadness, breathing out momentous.

-- For my best friend. For always reminding me to fearlessly breathe in what is real.

Adventure #37: Thanksgiving 2016

It's Thanksgiving! I'm actually having a not good day, and I need to write... I'm just feeling so many things. Everything is starting to change again and it's hard to feel like I don't have to give in to the chaos...

I need different people in my life. I need more people who are solid. More people like my dad, my gramma, and my counselor... I've learned that I can be myself no matter what is going on around me, but people who don't make chaos and don't have expectations for others make that so much easier... It makes me cry to think that we do that to each other. That we push other people away from their truest selves so that we can feel the smallest bit better about our own lives. I'm tired... I'm tired of people trying to do that to me, because even though I know I'm strong enough to fight it, it's nothing short of exhausting...

So on this Thanksgiving, I am grateful, and exhausted. I'm so thankful for two of my best friends that have been there for me the past few days as I've had to deal with something incredibly confusing and painful. I'm thankful that I have my childhood home to come back to... Sometimes I think the actual house offers me more surety than the people in it, but it still means a lot to me to be home... I'm grateful that I got to see my best friend yesterday. It had been way to long... I'm grateful for the newest women in my life who are an incredible support system. I'm grateful for everyone who has helped to provide for me these last several months of my life. I'm grateful for so many things...

Everyday, I find something new to appreciate about this beautiful world and all its people.

And I'm exhausted. I'm tired of seeing all the tragic news about Standing Rock. I'm tired of uneducated consumerism, I'm tired of the suffering in the world, and I woke up today thinking that there might be rest for us today... But there isn't. There is chaos, there is confusion, and there is pain.

But let's be grateful anyway... Please, today of all days, we can be grateful.

Adventure #36: Foods of Late

Hey! Still alive. Been busy, gotten good at making excuses for not blogging. Recently rediscovered (again) my motivations for doing this. So, here I am!

So much has been changing in my life lately as I'm entering a new phase of things. I'm super excited about it, and in general the difference will be that I'm finally ready to start the work I've been preparing for in these past several months. But, more on that idea and those events later.

Tonight, I want to just talk about my food adventures of late! In the past few weeks, I have been exposed to many new foods. Food is one of the hobbies of the family that I'm living with, so it's been a staple of this transition. Without further ado, this non-glorious list of foods and restaurants I have newly experienced.

Places:
Taco John's
Del Taco
a Chinese food place where I never checked the name
Sherri's
Main Street Burger
Black Bear Diner
The Coffee Cup Cafe
Fiesta Guadalajara

Other Foods:
Jackfruit (smells like mangos and Kraft cheese)
Buffalo tripe (at Standing rock)
Fresh fry bread
Ben and Jerry's (like 3 flavors and I can't remember any of their names)
Corned beef hash

Yep so there's that. I don't know, I've enjoyed the experience, but I think I more just enjoy sharing a meal with people. That's been the best part of trying these new foods and restaurants. It's good for me to broaden my tastes, and I'm grateful I've been granted the opportunity, but I'm even more grateful to have gotten to share those experiences with other people.

More tomorrow. I hope you have a great rest of your night ^.^

Water is Life: Standing Rock

I've been home from Standing Rock for a few days now, and took some much needed time to catch up on sleep and let all of the events settle before I wanted to attempt to write about them. So here I am, slightly more rested, ready to share this part of my story.

Verbally, I've relayed these events several times in questionable detail, so I'd like to approach this telling differently. I've had a chance to reflect on all that I understand I've learned from this experience, and I'd like to focus on those aspects of  the story for my own purposes of contemplation and for purposes of efficiency.

One thing that I learned while I was at Standing Rock is how generosity and determination can go an incredibly long way in supporting life. There were so many needs at the Oceti Sakowin camp, but because of donations, communication, and good intentions, everyone is being cared for adequately. I was consistently amazed by the ability of people to organize and meet everyone's needs. It was astonishing to me because, there were few constructs that I'm accustomed to; there was no delegation, no ruling body (other than certain activities where the approval of the elders is strongly recommended), and few rules. Everyone was there to be a part of this incredible movement, and each had their contribution. With all of these people in one place, united by one cause and one philosophy, without hardly any structures of our over-arching society, incredible things are being achieved. In my thoughts, one of the greatest achievements is a productive and peaceful coexistence.

Another lesson for me was about how I contribute to the world. I struggled on the first two days feeling like I wasn't doing enough. I felt guilty for taking a nap, even though I really needed to because my exhaustion was bringing me to tears... I felt like I couldn't carry enough supplies at once, couldn't cut potatoes quickly enough, couldn't handle the cold with ease... It wasn't until a man struck up a conversation with me and wanted to say he had seen me helping, and that he was grateful to me for doing so. That conversation made me cry a little bit, too, because I needed to hear that someone saw what I was trying to do... Then, once I knew that someone had seen me, I didn't feel like I needed to measure how helpful I was or how hard I was working by what someone else thought. How could I? This man probably didn't see me take a nap. He didn't know how little sleep I'd gotten the night before. He couldn't have known how hard I was working or how hard I wasn't. Only I could know if I was doing everything that I could to help, while still taking care of myself. This really helped me to more completely understand that my contribution to the world can't be measured. It's up to me to do what I know I need to, and no else can say if it is or isn't enough. I know it is.

I'm losing my focus now, but I will continue in another post soon. As always, thank you for being a part of my story, and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

Adventure #35: Oh Right That Blog Thing

HAHAHA i am not very good at this sometimes.

No excuses, I don't know what happened. I just disappeared for a few days, and I am certainly not ruling out aliens as a potential culprit. Is that stereotyping...?

Anyway. I am leaving for Standing Rock tomorrow!
And I was supposed to start my novel yesterday! Damn aliens.

Will update you on Standing Rock!
Will start my novel today! There's still time!

Sold t-shirts for Standing Rock today and yesterday!

Here's the design!
Yay! About 45 t-shirts sold already and I had to tell people to stop asking me for more cause I had to send the order to Kepa so he could start making the shirts. So that was sad and difficult because I didn't want to let people down... But now I have to ask for the money from people which is even more difficult... I'm so surprised that so many people wanted shirts and shared the Facebook post! I thought we might sell 25, but no! More than 25!

Yay again! So that's what I've been up to. Might start college at BSU next semester, but more on that later. 

Okie bye <3

Adventure #34: Miscellaneous Adventures

I learned what a persimmon is yesterday. They look like tomatoes, and taste like nothing if they are not ripe.

My Spotify Discover Weekly playlist is amazing this week, too. There hasn't been a single song that I've skipped or not decided to listen to again. I am very impressed.

I also had a friend send me a bunch of indie electronica that I also loved. Good stuff. Also.

I read an article last night about the difficulties in learning to model the motion of a pendulum. At midnight... I am a big nerd.

Hmmm second Etsy sale in progress! The woman wanted six pieces, but I told her since I'm leaving for Standing Rock soon and I didn't know if the longer poems would fit on the size of paper she wanted, I'm doing three of them for her for now.

I also discovered this morning (I had my suspicions) that every ten characters on the typewriter is equivalent to an inch. Whoever made these things put so much effort into the design, these are seriously the coolest little machines ever.

Christopher Latham Sholes, Frank Haven Hall, Carlos Glidden and Samuel W. Soule.
They invented the typewriter.

Adventure #33: The Funk

Fear not! I am still alive. I kind of disappeared for the last couple of days because of the aforementioned funk.

Unintentionally, I kind of set myself up for failure with this one... I haven't been outside in a couple of days, and didn't really have anything planned to do... Lately, allowing my days to be self-directed hasn't been a problem at all. But if I'd been paying attention to my own feelings as well as I'd like to be, I would have realized that now is not a good time for me to have the opportunity to watch Netflix all day. I'm going to be vague with this one, but I'm letting go of a lot... Processing an incredible amount of sadness, really. So I do wish I had made plans to keep myself a little bit busier, not to numb any feelings, but so as to avoid wallowing.

But! Today! I'm listening to music, back to blogging, made myself a good breakfast, and I'm going to finish the t-shirt design for Standing Rock. I also might have a new Etsy order! This woman wants six different pieces. I told her it will take me some extra time, and if she's willing to wait, then I would love to make them. So we'll see!

In both accounts, wish me luck! Imma beat this funk and sell some typed stuff.

Water is Life: Standing Rock Introduction

I've decided I'm going up to Standing Rock. A couple of women from my class are taking supplies they've been collecting for the last month or so up there, and I finally asked if I could go with them. We leave in a little more than a week! I'm currently (like this very minute) working on a design for t-shirts I want to sell to help raise funds for Standing Rock.

I just realized I'm spending my Friday night designing this idea for the Standing Rock shirts, and I only feel grateful. I had started worrying about how a friend of mine is doing, and then got to thinking about my friends in college and in the past, I've really felt like I'm missing out. I'm so excited for college, and it's been so hard to continue saying no to the allure of going to school with all of my friends, partying on the weekends (I've never done it, so I'm not sure if it's for me, but that's part of the difficulty is not knowing), and learning... I love learning. 

But. This time when my mind wandered and I started thinking about what those people might be doing tonight, I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel self-righteous, either. Only grateful... I feel so glad to be a part of this movement in my own small way. So glad to be a part of it that I hadn't even noticed I'm giving up precious weekend time in order to be involved. That was a really awesome feeling. 

Also, this is definitely a get hyped post. I'll share the design and the fundraiser campaign very soon! :D Feel that? Hype.

Adventure #32: BSU Game!

I went to my first college football game last night! BYU @ BSU.  It was a super close game, very exciting, very scary. I had a lot of fun! I used to be a really big football fan. It was one of the only things that my step-dad and I shared. He taught me all about it, helped me keep up with our teams, and I watched almost every game with him that I could. He and I don't talk anymore, but my love of football remains. It was really cool to go and be able to enjoy the tension, the excitement, and the cold.

PC: Cassie T

But the night was not without hiccups, as other emotionally relevant events occurred. I missed almost the entire third quarter because I was on the phone with my friend Drita, really trying to figure some things out... I cried the whole time... A lot of people stopped to make sure I was okay, and that actually helped a lot to be reminded of all the caring people in the world who are willing to set aside time to stand in kindness. I really needed that... I also noticed that there were no females who talked to me or made sure I was okay in those moments, and that sucked, only because I would have thought that the relationship between women in general was stronger than that... In light of that observation, I plan to be the demonstration of a caring woman whenever I see another in a situation like that.

So, I am feeling a bit better now, and I'm so glad that I was able to rediscover my love of football, be reminded of kindness in the world, be shown how I can help to empower other women who are suffering, and be able to spend the night talking with people who care about me.

Adventure #31: Five Star Etsy Seller!

My first Etsy product arrived today at my customer's house, and she said she loves it! She says it's perfect and I was so awesome in communicating with her and stuff. And then she left me a five star review! Definitely made me feel good ^.^

The quote she wanted is one of my favorites:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there." - Rumi

I learned a few new Etsy things from this, too. Like that I can make a custom listing in the messages people send me (might charge me for the listing, but I'm not sure...). Or, I can have them purchase the 'custom item' listing, and then all of the reviews will show up together on that product when other people want to purchase something! So that's actually really exciting to me because I need all the help I can get with this thing.

Anyway, so yay! Happy people ^.^

Adventure #30: More Officially Moved

As of last night, I am now back in Meridian. I have like nothing with me right now except my notebooks, computer, and some clothes, but I'm here! The transition has been harder than I thought it would be... But I think I just have so many things on my mind at the moment. Just processing a lot of emotions and projects all at once and it's making me a little tired. Things feel right, though. I feel settled inside, and it's a good feeling.

Sooo I've listened to a ton of music lately because I need it. I've been refining my Spotify playlists for a few months now and I'm finally like really happy with them! Maybe I'll share some of those. I really love sharing music with people and I try to do it often. Sharing music with people is such a personal form of communication. In my mind, I'm sharing a little experience with someone that just says, "This made me feel something." So anyone who shares music with me is awesome because then they gave me a chance to feel something, and maybe I'll even have a similar experience with the music to theirs. That's an awesome thought, to me...

I've been drawing a bit. Still working on my staff because this design is taking forever and it makes my hands hurt, so I've been working on it in 4 hour spurts once I get over the hurts. Last night I started a drawing that incorporates the same pattern, and I like it so far... So here's that, and now you have an idea what my staff looks like on the bottom, too!

Breakthrough on my novel today! I am closer to finding a story to fit my ideas. I made some progress on my exploration of religion today, too, which I am very excited about.

Also. I have decided. When I am a mother, I will make sure my children have blankets and sheets specifically for forts, capes, playing outside, and any other joyful activity they come up with where blankets are a necessity. That is all.

In other news, Bitte climbed up next to me in this chair and cuddled with me for like an hour. I love her so much.

The End. Not really.

Adventure #29: Unnaturally Lazy Day

Yeah, I watched Supernatural with my sister practically all day. I guess I did do a few adult things, like laundry, printing an application, doing the dishes, and contacting my eye doctor... I also played Pokemon. While I watched Supernatural. It was wonderful.

Also, Imitation Game is on Netflix, and I desperately need to watch it with someone. Preferably someone who hasn't seen it yet, but I can compromise. My parents didn't know I was coming home yesterday, so they watched it without me :'/ I'll survive, though, don't you worry. This one's a fighter. Most days.

Hmmm... Other updates? My first Etsy sale should have been delivered today, so hopefully I'll hear back from the customer about what she thinks :) In other news, I'm planning on moving out (again) tomorrow. I left last week and then came back home the next day so that I could get ready for this last minute road trip xD So this is more for real now. Scary and exciting. Will post updates. Still have more laundry to do.

And I believe that's all for now! Have a lovely rest of your night, dear readers <3

Adventure #28: To Albany to Home

We left early on Thursday morning out of Tacoma to head for Albany to visit my second cousin, and my Gramma's niece! We decided to come down highway 101 for the scenery and because my Gramma and I are cocky women who knew we could beat the worst of that monstrous looming storm. Haha so actually we did beat the worst of the storm. We had a few minutes where the winds were really bad and the rain was even worse, but that maybe only lasted for a half hour before we were back to the normal heavy rainfall.

Map of Our Route For the Trip

The drive was so beautiful! I was in awe the entire way. I'm still amazed that everything could be so green. We stopped a few places to walk in the rain, take pictures, and to drive across and back on the bridge in Astoria. I loved seeing my cousin, too. She's the sweetest person ever, and their family is going through a rough time right now, so I hope that my Gramma and I were able to cheer her up a little bit. Love you, Heidi <3

Astoria, Hwy 101

Pancho Gramma <3

Homies

Almost Home

Nap Time for Murdoch

Adventure #27: Reacquainted With The Rain

Listen to Giueseppe play the trumpet, he's so good.

Gramma jerks the wheel often. Tiny jerks. Little overcorrections that leave her and I in the Jeep twitching, wiggling side to side in the lane.

Rain flicks the car incessantly. A little brother poking you until the sensation softens and that small area on your arm turns numb. My ears become numb to the flicks and whips of the drops, and the sounds blur together into... Now I'm listening too closely.

The outpour collects on leaves above. Plopping clacking marbles down down on us. Smatterings of marble sky kisses.

Droplets blur together into rivulets into rivers. I hear their rivers, sometimes.

The sound and sight and sensation of the rain. The aura of rain. It seeps into our minds, our own personal fog. My Gramma's movements are softened as the rain flows through her arms, over her bones, weighing her hands.

The overcorrections are fluid, now a subtle weaving. Puddles on the road assist in tugging the Jeep to one side or another. Millions of tiny hydrogen bond hands pluck at rubber tires. Thank you, little puddles. Do you hear your rivers, too, sometimes?

Adventure #26: Long Walks on the Beach

My wonderful cousins and aunt took me to the beach at Chambers Bay today! It was grey and perfect outside. We could hear harbor seals, and even got to watch one catch a fish. And then he ate it! Yay seals!

We also made a game out of finding the weirdest things that we could on the beach. There were many. Such a great day with my crazy family <3

Locked in Love

Sea Snot? Ocean Barf?

Multi-Tasker

Just a Corn Cob

Missed the Party

I said, "It's bigger than you!" but she didn't hear me.
So she said, "It's bigger than me!"
Also his name was Gary.
She said we took him to the moon.
I told her I'd be sure to inform the world.
She didn't believe me.

Through  the Grate and Down Below

Adventure #25: Dat Glass

Aaaaagh I love this city. I haven't been here for two and a half years, but I remembered the streets and buildings so clearly. It's such a beautiful place.

So I got to spend the day with my aunt, my cousins, and my Gramma. We visited the glass museum (Kind of. There are installations that are outside the actual museum, soooo you don't have to pay to see those.) and walked around downtown Tacoma for a while. Because I know way less about these installations than the museum probably does, if any of these pique your interest, here is the link to the Museum of Glass.

And oh! I forgot something! This paragraph is being written five days late, but whatever. My aunt left me at a coffee shop for a few hours, too, and I kind of had an adventure there. I looked through a book about the traditions of pilgrimages to the holy lands. I drank cocoa. I also took my shoes off so that I could sit cross legged in the chair, and nobody looked at me funny. And a couple of guys approached me to talk about religion. That was super cool. Their names were Andre and Sergei, and we just kind of philosophized for an hour. They seemed kind of surprised that I was on board with what we were talking about, and that I was pushing the ideas, even though I told them I don't always identify as a christian. They prayed, we talked about our lives, God, freedom, purpose, and Germany. It was so cool to meet two people like them. They were just really open, passionate, and interesting people. So glad I got to experience such a meaningful conversation with complete strangers!

Note: People look at you strangely if you do
a photographers pose in the middle of a museum.
Especially if they didn't see the rainbow.