Ashton woke up today and was feeling down... I had no idea what today was going to look like, and I just hoped that she would be okay. She wanted to do something special for him, and I told her we should think about it and do something small together.
I think what we ended up doing was just choosing to be happy today... It snowed today... For the first time this winter, it snowed, and I would be lying if I said it didn't feel like a gift. It felt like millions of tiny white blessings falling from the sky and melting on the earth. I got to walk outside as the flakes were falling, and they melted into droplets on my glasses, in my hair, and on all of my clothes. It was wonderful... I got to see everyone else walking in the snow, as all of them were smiling at each other, and some were holding their hands up to the sky. I couldn't help but smile and think about him.
A year ago, I sent this message to Trey the day I found out that he had committed suicide.
I don't know how to think about this... I'm wishing that we'd been closer and then maybe I could have stopped you... you're the last person I ever would have thought... God I wish I'd just told you I cared!! I always did, how could I not? You're amazing. I'm sorry for what this world has done to you. I love the world and I hate that it's hurt you so much... I'm being selfish, too, and wishing I could understand.I still don't always know how to think about what happened... I do still wish I had known to say more to you. I do still love this world, and hate what it does to people... But I won't be selfish anymore. I won't be stuck trying to understand why you did this, or what could have been different, or what I could have done.
I love you, and I wish the best for you.
What I will do is continue to live how I did today. I chose to carry on your kindness. I remembered you today. I lived joyfully today. And I will love you always.
I promise.