Adventure #58: The Write Time

I realized I want to share what I've been writing, lately. I haven't been sharing the day to day things I've done because I think my writing is a more accurate and honest representation of what my recent life has been like. I make no promises about quality, only authenticity from the moments in which the words were drawn. So I have some catching up to do, but here are some thoughts from several weeks ago.

Stare out the windows and watch for him passing by, with hope and a deep-seated sickness. 

You want to see him, walk near him, turn the corner and face him because neither of you believe in fate.  

You still hope, hope he'll see you, really see you this time, and change his mind, his heart. 

So you keep baring yourself, let him see you even though your hair's a mess and your skin is irritated by the cold.  

And each time, his steps don't falter, his eyes don't brighten, his gaze never lingers.  

And each time you hear, "Don't." 

But you'd like to see him again tomorrow.

And as these were written in the same sitting, in the same state of mind, I think it's appropriate to share them simultaneously as well.

You're missing something. What are you lying about? 

His rejection does make you question who you are. His indifference does make you feel worthless. You're clamoring to share in his sadness or his happiness again. Desperate to know, to feel him. 

It's okay... Little one... You are not invincible. You bared your heart, unmasked your soul, and it's okay that you cried when he looked away. It's alright, Little one... 

Sit in the sun, write, let the tears cast rainbows on your eyelashes, sniffle when your nose runs, shake all over when it's too much, let your arms hang when they feel empty, hug yourself when your chest aches... 

You will find yourself again, Little one... 

When in the company of books

Don't whisper too softly

or the books will hear your awe

and admire you so much for it,

the pages themselves will

abandon their bindings

and scatter off the shelves.

Adventure #56: Becoming Sin Eater

One of my first written explorations of an idea my friend gave me. I'm trying to use it to help me find and maintain perspective on what I've been going through. So here goes.

Sin Eater

Our everness
all memories and
moments unlived

When my part in your
Soul perished, I gathered
bottled the splinters of your heart

The organizer of pains.
receptacle for fears.
embalmer of essence.

Your
devoted
doteful

Sin Eater.

The tree does not halt its growth in fear of casting a shadow.

Yet, my dear,
you would stunt your own limbs,
for as much light as you hope to gather,
Fear of the shadow you cast is greater.

Let me remind you of your whole.
Your dual being that is both
Light catcher
and dark shedder.

I will joyfully climb your tallest branches to
bask in our sunlight
bathe in the glow of your upmost.

I will gratefully rest in your shadows to
drape the chill upon sun warmed skin
know the breeze stroking eyelids closed.

I will gaze up at your many leaves,
green and dark green
lit and shaded,
in awe and fascination.

And the night
illuminated by the lone moon 
sans sights of the light and darkness,
there you stand.

Skyward tendrils aching
Earth bound roots creaking
Visceral and ethereal
You are Whole.

Adventure #44: A Walk in Winter

I walked...

Not to escape

But rather to grant myself

the crystal air

untouched snow

and slowing river

Companions to my restless thoughts. 

Adventure #38: Let be.

For some reason, I haven't been able to get this passage out of my head today... So here is my attempt to analyse it and try to discover why it is vexing me.

In Act V Scene ii of Hamlet, Laertes has challenged Hamlet to a duel, and Horatio acts as the last advocate for Hamlet to acknowledge his true nature that he has long denied himself. Hamlet has just dismissed his true feelings as a woman's misgivings, saying "how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter." Horatio has told Hamlet, "If your mind dislike anything, obey it..." entreating Hamlet, if he is to deny his feelings, to at least deny his thoughts no longer. Hamlet rejects Horatio's plea through a dismissal of the significance of this choice and the significance of his own being, and so ensconces himself further within his chosen philosophy, sealing his fate.

Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special providence in
the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be
not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come:
the readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he leaves,
what is't to leave betimes?

Hamlet recognizes that while there is fate, there is also the human desire to decide it for ourselves. 

Our indiscretion sometime serves us well,
When our deep plots do fail; and that should teach us
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will.

In the end, it seems we are but little birds, knowing not of what we will leave, yet free to live our lives intentionally, recklessly, and fatefully.

To Breathe in Sadness

The most immense sadness I have known is felt in waves. This sadness gently rushes itself ashore, droplet tears burn, soft sands churn. Sadness breaks over pebbles, returning to the sea. Tears slip past blonde lashes, caressing flush cheeks.

A sadness that repeats itself in moments of understanding... Each brush of ocean on weathered shore draws breath in and out. In as grains tumble, chest broadens, shoulders lift, tension between potential, pain, and perseverance is held in open lungs. Out as bubbles spin and tendrils recede, release  of  tension. Empty lungs flooded by acceptance. And breathe... Breathing in sadness, breathing out momentous.

-- For my best friend. For always reminding me to fearlessly breathe in what is real.

Adventure #37: Thanksgiving 2016

It's Thanksgiving! I'm actually having a not good day, and I need to write... I'm just feeling so many things. Everything is starting to change again and it's hard to feel like I don't have to give in to the chaos...

I need different people in my life. I need more people who are solid. More people like my dad, my gramma, and my counselor... I've learned that I can be myself no matter what is going on around me, but people who don't make chaos and don't have expectations for others make that so much easier... It makes me cry to think that we do that to each other. That we push other people away from their truest selves so that we can feel the smallest bit better about our own lives. I'm tired... I'm tired of people trying to do that to me, because even though I know I'm strong enough to fight it, it's nothing short of exhausting...

So on this Thanksgiving, I am grateful, and exhausted. I'm so thankful for two of my best friends that have been there for me the past few days as I've had to deal with something incredibly confusing and painful. I'm thankful that I have my childhood home to come back to... Sometimes I think the actual house offers me more surety than the people in it, but it still means a lot to me to be home... I'm grateful that I got to see my best friend yesterday. It had been way to long... I'm grateful for the newest women in my life who are an incredible support system. I'm grateful for everyone who has helped to provide for me these last several months of my life. I'm grateful for so many things...

Everyday, I find something new to appreciate about this beautiful world and all its people.

And I'm exhausted. I'm tired of seeing all the tragic news about Standing Rock. I'm tired of uneducated consumerism, I'm tired of the suffering in the world, and I woke up today thinking that there might be rest for us today... But there isn't. There is chaos, there is confusion, and there is pain.

But let's be grateful anyway... Please, today of all days, we can be grateful.

Adventure #27: Reacquainted With The Rain

Listen to Giueseppe play the trumpet, he's so good.

Gramma jerks the wheel often. Tiny jerks. Little overcorrections that leave her and I in the Jeep twitching, wiggling side to side in the lane.

Rain flicks the car incessantly. A little brother poking you until the sensation softens and that small area on your arm turns numb. My ears become numb to the flicks and whips of the drops, and the sounds blur together into... Now I'm listening too closely.

The outpour collects on leaves above. Plopping clacking marbles down down on us. Smatterings of marble sky kisses.

Droplets blur together into rivulets into rivers. I hear their rivers, sometimes.

The sound and sight and sensation of the rain. The aura of rain. It seeps into our minds, our own personal fog. My Gramma's movements are softened as the rain flows through her arms, over her bones, weighing her hands.

The overcorrections are fluid, now a subtle weaving. Puddles on the road assist in tugging the Jeep to one side or another. Millions of tiny hydrogen bond hands pluck at rubber tires. Thank you, little puddles. Do you hear your rivers, too, sometimes?

Adventure #21: I Waited

I waited, love.
Sprawled out in the grass
At the fringes of your life
Calling to you

Come get me, love...
Pull me close
Draw me in
To you again

Could you hear me, love?
I said to you I miss you
I love you
I feel you


I left, love.
I fell silent.
I walked far away.


I will call to you again
I will be close to you
I will wait for you again, someday

I will always miss you
I will always love you
I will always feel you


Will you hear me?
Love?

Adventure #19: Announcing the Understory

So I made plans to move out today, and then they kind of got put off... But the reasons are secret and personal so I can't talk about it, but basically I'm upset with some people and really grateful for how others are helping me handle this.

So there's that super vague update for ya.

Also planning a road trip with my Gramma, so stay tuned.


The main meat of this post, now: I announced my novel today! It is called Understory. I'm super excited to keep working on it, and as soon as I have any kind of sample, it will be in a post, and available on my Nanowrimo profile.

The topics I'm currently exploring with intent to include them in the novel are: perspective, familiarity, religion, nature, what-ifs, progress, story, and the shadow nature. As I think and write about each of these more, they slowly come together, bit by bit. I have no idea how all of these concepts will connect through plot or setting, but they are connected through many other means, and I hope to discover their proper literary representation soon. Also, if you have any significant thoughts that come to you when you think of the word Understory (or when you look it up), let me know? I'd love to know what kinds of images and ideas the phrase evokes.

Thanks again! And to my significant otter and goober who hopefully will read this, you're always on my mind. And you can do it! You're amazing! <3

To Inspire: Invest In Yourself

Invest in yourself.

Not because everyone will let you down. Some won't.

Not because it's hard to hope. It really can be done.

Not because the world is cruel. It is, but it is also wonderful.

And not because there is nothing else worth investing in. There are many things worth your efforts.

But invest in yourself, too, because we say that the only constant in life is change. But the other constant is you. As long as you are alive, you have yourself. Invest in yourself because you will change, whether you mean to or not. And when you see these changes, you will need to have faith in order to face yourself again and again as you grow. Learn about yourself, know yourself, and grow yourself, because it is possible. And because you will need to know your constants in life, especially when everything changes.

Adventure #18: A Normal Day of Little Adventures

It's today!

I started decoratin my staff today. I honestly don't remember if I mentioned it before, but I made a staff. Now I'm decorating it. Honestly I think it looks super freaking cool, too. Will post pictures tomorrow(?) when I'm finished. It's an adventure because I've never decorated or even made a staff before, and I've never drawn anything like this, especially not on a staff. So, an art adventure! We'll see how it goes :)

I also wrote a lot today. Some really cool ideas and thoughts that I think I will start to share on here as they continue to form. It will help me to explain them to someone other than myself, as it'll mean I will have to solidify my thoughts in order to convey them with any semblance of clarity. So look forward to THAT!

Another everyday adventure today: I took a break from my phone. I checked it a few times, but didn't keep it on me all day, and actually stopped worrying about it after a few mental slaps on the wrist. I only used 10% of my battery life, so I'm pretty proud of that xD And it felt good! It was hard because I'm still letting go of something, but I feel much better about it after a day of practicing being okay.

In other news, I promised myself today that I would quit dismissing something that I just said out of worry that nobody cared. I cared, so I said it, and that's ok!

As always, thanks for the read, and I hope you had a day of little adventures, as well <3

Adventure #17: The Phoenix

Damn! Already missed a day. Oh well. It's the thought that counts, yeah?

So today was a really amazing day. I refer to the Phoenix in the title of this post because I think there are a lot of lessons for me to learn right now in terms of what beginnings and endings really are, and what they can be for me.

Today is a perfect example. I spoke with my dad about moving out and we gained both closure and and agreement about how to move forward. I went to a wedding of a good friend of mine, and promises and commitments, meant for enhancing and ensconcing the love between them, were made. I spent 5 hours making barefoot sandals for the bride, which was definitely new... And all of the other beginnings and endings, newness and oldness, I couldn't describe it to you, yet... But I saw it, felt it, everywhere today.

My boyfriend and I broke up today, too. That one has been more difficult already than I thought it would be... I'm choosing to support him in his choice to be alone for however long it takes for him to find himself. And I'm struggling because even though I had broken up with him for the same thing before, I still had this fantasy that somehow we could find our individuality, together. I'm learning very quickly that it's so important for me to leave him be... And I understand that this can be a powerful opportunity for me, as well. Maybe even if we aren't walking together, we can still walk parallel paths toward self-discovery. That is my hope, at least.

So here's to leaving the door open for new lessons and understanding. Here's to knowing when it's time to be reborn from the ashes of what has been. And here's to accepting the end that must occur for the sake of the rebirth that is to be fueled by newfound potential.

Adventure #16: A Weeks Worth of Adventures

Okay! Commitment time. I haven't been posting every day... I promised myself that I would, and now it's time to make good on my word. I'm committing again to post every day because not every post needs to be fantastic and have pictures, I just need to be furthering my perspective and embracing living my everyday life passionately from wherever I am.

So to kick off this renewed pledge, a summary of recent and tiny adventures!

Let's see. I made muffins today. My step-mom buys boxed muffins mixes and then since the mixes are in the house and they aren't used very often, sometimes I get on a roll and use them all up! So the mix was for almond poppyseed muffins, but my dad and I prefer the lemon ones. So I mixed in lemon zest and lemon juice, and I think they're way better that way xD

I tried a new lotion. Fascinating. One of my friends had given me some samples, and so I went with it. One of them was not a face lotion, and my skin is currently regressing to its stressed out 9th grader state. But! Then the other lotion was definitely a face lotion. It was Juice Beauty, the business started byyyyy what's her name omg I practiced this Gwyneth Paltrow! There we go. It was awesome, too. It smelled so frappin good and made my skin feel all soft and nice. I was surprised, too! After just a few minutes of letting it settle, there was no sheen or anything but it still felt great. So when I become rich, I'll definitely invest in the stuff.

What else what else. Ah! Sleepover with my boyfriend. He and I have been together for the larger part of the last 7 years, and this was the first time we'd gotten to do this. It definitely was an adventure. I am a very warm sleeper, twin bed, and he's 6ft tall, but it actually went quite smoothly (maybe my late night sneezing fit was the exception). It was as cute and cuddly and practical as I could have imagined ^.^

I also have added some new items to my Etsy store! Including a custom listing option since now I have my fancy paper. I'm a mild nerd about paper now, and I like that about myself, so yeah. Here's the link again to my Etsy store cause I have to shamelessly self-advertise: SansPoetry

I'm going to write a novel! I'm doing Nanowrimo this year (the link if you haven't heard of it before), and am currently working on idea planning and stuffs. I'm honestly super excited, and I will most likely post often on the blog about this as it will be an every day thing in November. I'll link to my profile on the website soon, too, so that you can follow me along that way and we can collaborate if you're doing it, too :)

I went to my first women's circle this past weekend! It was amazing, and I really learned so much. The class is called "I am Woman" and it's about understanding and discovering the true feminine nature and how it applies to ourselves. Cool stuff. I might post more in detail about it later, but I'm undecided right now because the nature of the content can be very personal, and I'd like to go all out or not at all instead of trying to censor such important things.

Last update: I might be moving out soon! My friend in Monterey that I was going to stay with is likely moving back home very soon, so that didn't work out, but oh well. A new opportunity has arisen due to the kindness of wonderful people, and it's in the works. Will update.

Okay, cool! I've been up to more things than I thought... Thanks for the read, and peace to you all! <3

Adventure #4: Letting Go

He's rebellious
But I won't tell...

He's cried twice today
But always strongest.

He's empathetic

But a formidable temper.

He's a sweetheart

But impenetrable walls.

He's rebellious

But they'll never know...

He'll make a good soldier.