The tree does not halt its growth in fear of casting a shadow.

Yet, my dear,
you would stunt your own limbs,
for as much light as you hope to gather,
Fear of the shadow you cast is greater.

Let me remind you of your whole.
Your dual being that is both
Light catcher
and dark shedder.

I will joyfully climb your tallest branches to
bask in our sunlight
bathe in the glow of your upmost.

I will gratefully rest in your shadows to
drape the chill upon sun warmed skin
know the breeze stroking eyelids closed.

I will gaze up at your many leaves,
green and dark green
lit and shaded,
in awe and fascination.

And the night
illuminated by the lone moon 
sans sights of the light and darkness,
there you stand.

Skyward tendrils aching
Earth bound roots creaking
Visceral and ethereal
You are Whole.

Adventure #51: Christmas Eve

The days leading up to Christmas have been nothing short of incredible. A couple of lazy days, a few family days, and lots of goodies being baked!

In terms of goodies, I made cupcakes for the first time in too long! I experimented with putting spices in the cream cheese frosting, too. They are so good. We also now have a commendable supply of fudge, lemon winter cake, and peanut butter cookies.

Lately, I've also made a couple of attempts to see my teachers and friends from high school, but to no avail... I had asked my English teacher if I could come visit on Wednesday and she had to cancel last minute... I was more sad than I thought I'd be. I'd been really excited to see her and tell her about all that I've been up to and hear how she's doing. There are so many other teachers and students I was looking forward to seeing, too. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out soon, though! The other event I couldn't make it to went down tonight, where everyone went caroling at my Spanish teacher's house. She lost her son this last year, and she's been on my mind a lot... I so wanted to be there, but my family couldn't find a way to get me there... I'm hoping to send her a letter instead, and let her know I think of her often. She's an amazing woman. I always feel so blessed to have had such incredible teachers in my life. I want to make sure they know it, too.

In other news, I had a great time Skyping my friend Kolby for a couple of hours! Normally I wouldn't write about something quite so specific, but he's been such a great friend to me since I met him, even with all that I've been dealing with. So I just really wanted to take a second to say I appreciate this newfound friendship that's come at a really pivotal time in my life. So thanks, dork :)

And in reference to what's been going on emotionally for me in the recent past, my greatest hope is that all of this will culminate in a new beginning that I've been looking forward to for a very long time. I'm scared to know how things will turn out, but in a strange way, I'm incredibly happy, too. This could be something so wonderful, fulfilling, and loving! I truly hope that I'll be given the chance to find out all that this can become... <3

Last thing! I need to say thank you to all of you! 51 Adventures in just a few months! That's pretty great. And 1,500 views! I honestly never hoped I would gain any kind of following, so it's been a fantastic surprise to find out how many people really are interested in what I'm doing here. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read these and to be invested in my life and my story in this way. It means so much to me. That said, a very happy Christmas Eve to all of you, and goodnight.

Adventure #50: Sleepless

I can't sleep... Rather, I don't want to sleep. The last few nights have been restless and emotional for me... Usually I can sleep no matter what, but I'm too worried tonight. I never have nightmares, either, but I've had some very unsettling dreams.

I've been trying to write, but I've been avoiding too many fears and possibilities for too long... The next plan is to lie on the floor and listen to music until I feel better. I may also make a grilled cheese. We shall see.

I wish I wanted to sleep, but thank goodness for friends who don't want to sleep, either. Sweet dreams to you all, and to all a good night.

Adventure #49: Altschmerz

My best friend, whose name is also David, has started a blog of his own! Virginia Woolfe would be proud of his musings on existentialism, his doodles-to-come, and his impeccable word choice. I've really enjoyed reading his thoughts so far, and I'm so excited to see what else he ends up writing! If you trust my opinion at all, I suggest checking out his blog because he is a very talented writer, an accomplished thinker, and the funniest person I have ever met.

Here is his blog: Altschmerz. Intrigued? You really should be.

Adventure #48: A Spoil Yourself Day

Today was a day. A day of spoils and riches and bubbles. The best day of them all.

My family and I played Clue! I winned and it was fun! It's not a great game for me to employ my hilarious-fake-smack-talk strategy, but we still had a good time!

Then we watched Dead Poets Society together, too. I really love that movie... I recognize the difficulties in the story, in that it is too distant a narrative at times, and somewhat uninvolved in terms of producing the expected effects on the audience, but I still love it. I love that Robin Williams character isn't ever so familiar to us, and that the stories of the different students disrupt the flow of the overall narrative, and that the message in the end is simply upheld. For me, it's a movie that asked me to think about something, and to feel something foreign. I wasn't drug along for the ride, and I'm tending to like that better. Movies and novels that beg the question are my favorite. Others seem to tell you what to ask, then leave you distraught with planted questions pruned back too far, stunted by a final sharp and eerie lilt that is "THE END".

I would much rather be whispered to, and entreated to find meaning in my own life than to be shown exactly where some meaning lies and how it is mine for the grasping.

Wow ok guess it did get me thinking! After the movie, I had the house to myself for a few hours! I played music very loudly and danced in the kitchen. I made a waffle and ate it with ice cream and butter on top :D Then I took a bubble bath that was glorious. And I watched How I Met Your Mother with Bitte until everyone got home :)

I came up with a new technique for my poetry today, too! I'm quite excited about that!

All in all, it was a wonderful day of indulging my sweet tooth, my thoughts, and my mild and temporary case of hedonism.

Adventure #47: Christmas Gifts!

Yesterday, I got to put together Christmas Gifts for my friends and my family! I was such a fun day of music and wrapping paper. My step mom got me a little worried that I'd given too many gifts to one of my friends, but two of them I'd gotten before Christmas and hadn't had a chance to give them to him... So hopefully he doesn't feel like it's too much, and knows that I just give gifts cause I like to :) As for gifts for my family, I sent my little brother and sister books and little stuffed animals that are so cute! I made a typewriter print for my other mom, and found a way to overlay a drawing of mine! I'm really happy with how it turned out :)

Today I'm making a gift for a gift exchange in my women's class, and I think it will turn out great, too ^.^ I might post pictures. I just realized I probably don't post pictures often enough because it's a huge hassle with my phone... I'll try to be better about that.

In other news, I'd forgotten how comfy my unicorn kigurumi is! I don't plan on forgetting that again!

In other other news, registering for classes at BSU has been a pain, but I think I've almost got it figured out! I have to wait for a couple of professors to send me permission numbers for a couple of my courses, and then I'm all signed up! I managed to schedule everything, too, so that I'm done by noon every day. I'm super excited about that.

So yes. Thanks for Christmas, friends and family, unicorns, and good school advisers!

Adventure #46: Day of Solitude

I got to spend today all by myself at home! I've just been at home by myself all day, reading by the fireplace. My favorite story that I read was called Manawee, and the analysis of it was so cool! The story holds so many parallels to my life, and it gave me a new way to appreciate my best friend and all that he is to me. It was a great day <3

Then I also listened to dramatic music while I made grilled cheese for dinner. Then I made another grilled cheese at 1am and ate it while I watched How I Met Your Mother. Grilled cheese is the best. 

Adventure #45: Boise State Bound!

I got my acceptance letter! It came yesterday in the mail while I was hanging out at BSU. I was visiting to check out the house with the three girls I could live with, and I decided I really would like to live with them! They seem like really amazing and kind people. The house is really old and adorable, too. I'll have my own room, I will need to invest in lamps, and they have cats ^.^ I'm so excited to be living with three women who's company I genuinely enjoy and in a house where I really could feel at home.

I won't be able to move in until February, so that means I will be living at home and couch crashing for the month of January most likely, but I'm actually totally okay with that xD It'll be so worth it.

Also! I convinced them that we need a kotatsu!!! They were totally on board, and that's when I figured this was meant to be.

Other miscellaneous adventures of late: I introduced my friend Kolby to the Flying M, and he thought it was pretty great. Also I'm making cookies right now because I needed them. And I'd forgotten how much I love making and finding gifts for people! I wish I had more money with which to give gifts, but I'm digging into my savings a bit to make it happen this year. I love it. I've done some writing lately, too! It was amazing! It had been too long. I'm reading again, too! I read 1984, and then had another dry spell... I don't know what was going on, but I'm glad it's over.

So yays for new friends, kotatsu's, coffee, Christmas, and books.

Adventure #44: A Walk in Winter

I walked...

Not to escape

But rather to grant myself

the crystal air

untouched snow

and slowing river

Companions to my restless thoughts. 

Adventure #43: Acquaintances and Succulents

On Friday, I finally got to visit my friends at BSU! We got Dutch, played with a kitten named Charlie, traipsed around Winco, and made a blanket fort! My friend Kolby and I stayed up super late talking on Friday night, too. It was really great because it's been too long since I've had a friend around who I could talk to like that... I needed to be reminded of how important it is for me to communicate with other people on such a significant level. Then the next night, I stayed up and just hung out (which means fell asleep on the floor) while Kolby and his best friend Derek played League. That was fun for me, too, cause I kept waking up laughing at their jokes xD Then we slept in the blanket fort until about 4 in the afternoon. I wish I had pictures of it! It was so cute all lit up with Christmas lights ^.^

Prince Charlie crouches behind my shoe for protection

From when it first snowed this winter!

I also was able to talk on the phone with one of my favorite humans ever, and she and I might be able to see each other when she makes it home for the holidays!

As for the succulents part of this post title, I got to buy some new glassware to celebrate me finding a place to live! Until this morning, it was practically a done deal, but a new option just fell into my lap. So I'm considering that and working on meeting with the three other girls I might be able to live with! They seem like such amazing people, and I could live in a house with a lower rent than the apartment I was planning on. So we'll see! But either way, there will be plants!

Future Homes for Plants

Whatever happens, I'm scared, excited, and grateful. It was so wonderful to see my oldest friends, and to get to spend time with brand new ones. I'm looking forward to living on my own, growing some plants, and making friends with more new people.

Adventure #42: Apartment Hunting

For the first time ever, I will be looking for a place to live on my own! It's pretty scary, I must admit. My two best options that I can afford are both an option for a lease takeover, and I don't know all of what that means... And I don't have a job yet. The vehicle that we have for me to drive isn't running yet, so I haven't had a chance to get into Boise to pick up and drop off applications. But! It will all work out somehow, I'm sure. 

So tomorrow, I will be checking out an apartment that's only a half a mile from BSU! And it's in my price range! Craziness. Hopefully I will hear back from my other two options soon, and I'll check those out once I do. 

Aaaaagh this is so exciting! :D

They finally are able to process my application for school now, too. This whole process has been a huge test of my faith and optimism... I have had to catch myself several times now talking myself into worries and fears. It has not been easy, but I'm so glad that I'm finally doing this. I'm so ready, and I don't really care if it's scary cause it's gonna get done. So there. 

In other good news, my step mom and I had a really good day together. We were able to talk for quite a while about possible living situations for me, the divine feminine archetype, and a bunch of other fascinating things. It was really nice... She also told me about a moment recently where she and I had been arguing, and just all of a sudden she didn't see me as just her daughter anymore... She saw me as the strong and powerful woman that I'm becoming. That meant a lot to me that she can see that in me, and that she would be willing to tell me so plainly that she really does... I am grateful. 

And to the best goober ever: I miss you so much. Thank you for being you <3

Adventure #41: One Year Ago

One year ago today, November 30th, was the day of my friend Trey Luginbill's death.

Ashton woke up today and was feeling down... I had no idea what today was going to look like, and I just hoped that she would be okay. She wanted to do something special for him, and I told her we should think about it and do something small together.

I think what we ended up doing was just choosing to be happy today... It snowed today... For the first time this winter, it snowed, and I would be lying if I said it didn't feel like a gift. It felt like millions of tiny white blessings falling from the sky and melting on the earth. I got to walk outside as the flakes were falling, and they melted into droplets on my glasses, in my hair, and on all of my clothes. It was wonderful... I got to see everyone else walking in the snow, as all of them were smiling at each other, and some were holding their hands up to the sky. I couldn't help but smile and think about him.

A year ago, I sent this message to Trey the day I found out that he had committed suicide.

I don't know how to think about this... I'm wishing that we'd been closer and then maybe I could have stopped you... you're the last person I ever would have thought... God I wish I'd just told you I cared!! I always did, how could I not? You're amazing. I'm sorry for what this world has done to you. I love the world and I hate that it's hurt you so much... I'm being selfish, too, and wishing I could understand.
I love you, and I wish the best for you.

I still don't always know how to think about what happened... I do still wish I had known to say more to you. I do still love this world, and hate what it does to people... But I won't be selfish anymore. I won't be stuck trying to understand why you did this, or what could have been different, or what I could have done.

What I will do is continue to live how I did today. I chose to carry on your kindness. I remembered you today. I lived joyfully today. And I will love you always.

I promise.