Adventure #56: Becoming Sin Eater

One of my first written explorations of an idea my friend gave me. I'm trying to use it to help me find and maintain perspective on what I've been going through. So here goes.

Sin Eater

Our everness
all memories and
moments unlived

When my part in your
Soul perished, I gathered
bottled the splinters of your heart

The organizer of pains.
receptacle for fears.
embalmer of essence.

Your
devoted
doteful

Sin Eater.

Adventure #53: The Women's March

Yesterday, I attended the Women's March in Boise. The women from my class attended, my family sent good thoughts and lots of encouragement my way, and I was able to go with a couple of my favorite people! In the picture, they are my friend Aidan and his two brothers (their very kind father took the picture), and my friend Kolby! It was an amazing feeling to be personally supported by some of the men in my life, including my own father who was so excited for me and wanted to hear all about the march. It was also a great feeling to know that these men are standing up for all other women in their lives and across the globe, through such a simple act of perfect unity. 

The media coverage of the marches was so uplifting, too! My favorite piece is this article from Slate which captures the strength, optimism, and determination that every one of us shared in. An estimated 2.9 million people marched yesterday in support of women and in opposition to injustice, with a powerful voice. I am truly grateful to everyone who participated. I stood by you, and you stood by me that day... It was an honor, and I choose to stand with you always.

Adventure #38: Let be.

For some reason, I haven't been able to get this passage out of my head today... So here is my attempt to analyse it and try to discover why it is vexing me.

In Act V Scene ii of Hamlet, Laertes has challenged Hamlet to a duel, and Horatio acts as the last advocate for Hamlet to acknowledge his true nature that he has long denied himself. Hamlet has just dismissed his true feelings as a woman's misgivings, saying "how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter." Horatio has told Hamlet, "If your mind dislike anything, obey it..." entreating Hamlet, if he is to deny his feelings, to at least deny his thoughts no longer. Hamlet rejects Horatio's plea through a dismissal of the significance of this choice and the significance of his own being, and so ensconces himself further within his chosen philosophy, sealing his fate.

Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special providence in
the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be
not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come:
the readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he leaves,
what is't to leave betimes?

Hamlet recognizes that while there is fate, there is also the human desire to decide it for ourselves. 

Our indiscretion sometime serves us well,
When our deep plots do fail; and that should teach us
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will.

In the end, it seems we are but little birds, knowing not of what we will leave, yet free to live our lives intentionally, recklessly, and fatefully.

To Breathe in Sadness

The most immense sadness I have known is felt in waves. This sadness gently rushes itself ashore, droplet tears burn, soft sands churn. Sadness breaks over pebbles, returning to the sea. Tears slip past blonde lashes, caressing flush cheeks.

A sadness that repeats itself in moments of understanding... Each brush of ocean on weathered shore draws breath in and out. In as grains tumble, chest broadens, shoulders lift, tension between potential, pain, and perseverance is held in open lungs. Out as bubbles spin and tendrils recede, release  of  tension. Empty lungs flooded by acceptance. And breathe... Breathing in sadness, breathing out momentous.

-- For my best friend. For always reminding me to fearlessly breathe in what is real.

Adventure #37: Thanksgiving 2016

It's Thanksgiving! I'm actually having a not good day, and I need to write... I'm just feeling so many things. Everything is starting to change again and it's hard to feel like I don't have to give in to the chaos...

I need different people in my life. I need more people who are solid. More people like my dad, my gramma, and my counselor... I've learned that I can be myself no matter what is going on around me, but people who don't make chaos and don't have expectations for others make that so much easier... It makes me cry to think that we do that to each other. That we push other people away from their truest selves so that we can feel the smallest bit better about our own lives. I'm tired... I'm tired of people trying to do that to me, because even though I know I'm strong enough to fight it, it's nothing short of exhausting...

So on this Thanksgiving, I am grateful, and exhausted. I'm so thankful for two of my best friends that have been there for me the past few days as I've had to deal with something incredibly confusing and painful. I'm thankful that I have my childhood home to come back to... Sometimes I think the actual house offers me more surety than the people in it, but it still means a lot to me to be home... I'm grateful that I got to see my best friend yesterday. It had been way to long... I'm grateful for the newest women in my life who are an incredible support system. I'm grateful for everyone who has helped to provide for me these last several months of my life. I'm grateful for so many things...

Everyday, I find something new to appreciate about this beautiful world and all its people.

And I'm exhausted. I'm tired of seeing all the tragic news about Standing Rock. I'm tired of uneducated consumerism, I'm tired of the suffering in the world, and I woke up today thinking that there might be rest for us today... But there isn't. There is chaos, there is confusion, and there is pain.

But let's be grateful anyway... Please, today of all days, we can be grateful.

Water is Life: Standing Rock

I've been home from Standing Rock for a few days now, and took some much needed time to catch up on sleep and let all of the events settle before I wanted to attempt to write about them. So here I am, slightly more rested, ready to share this part of my story.

Verbally, I've relayed these events several times in questionable detail, so I'd like to approach this telling differently. I've had a chance to reflect on all that I understand I've learned from this experience, and I'd like to focus on those aspects of  the story for my own purposes of contemplation and for purposes of efficiency.

One thing that I learned while I was at Standing Rock is how generosity and determination can go an incredibly long way in supporting life. There were so many needs at the Oceti Sakowin camp, but because of donations, communication, and good intentions, everyone is being cared for adequately. I was consistently amazed by the ability of people to organize and meet everyone's needs. It was astonishing to me because, there were few constructs that I'm accustomed to; there was no delegation, no ruling body (other than certain activities where the approval of the elders is strongly recommended), and few rules. Everyone was there to be a part of this incredible movement, and each had their contribution. With all of these people in one place, united by one cause and one philosophy, without hardly any structures of our over-arching society, incredible things are being achieved. In my thoughts, one of the greatest achievements is a productive and peaceful coexistence.

Another lesson for me was about how I contribute to the world. I struggled on the first two days feeling like I wasn't doing enough. I felt guilty for taking a nap, even though I really needed to because my exhaustion was bringing me to tears... I felt like I couldn't carry enough supplies at once, couldn't cut potatoes quickly enough, couldn't handle the cold with ease... It wasn't until a man struck up a conversation with me and wanted to say he had seen me helping, and that he was grateful to me for doing so. That conversation made me cry a little bit, too, because I needed to hear that someone saw what I was trying to do... Then, once I knew that someone had seen me, I didn't feel like I needed to measure how helpful I was or how hard I was working by what someone else thought. How could I? This man probably didn't see me take a nap. He didn't know how little sleep I'd gotten the night before. He couldn't have known how hard I was working or how hard I wasn't. Only I could know if I was doing everything that I could to help, while still taking care of myself. This really helped me to more completely understand that my contribution to the world can't be measured. It's up to me to do what I know I need to, and no else can say if it is or isn't enough. I know it is.

I'm losing my focus now, but I will continue in another post soon. As always, thank you for being a part of my story, and I hope you have a wonderful day <3

Adventure #33: The Funk

Fear not! I am still alive. I kind of disappeared for the last couple of days because of the aforementioned funk.

Unintentionally, I kind of set myself up for failure with this one... I haven't been outside in a couple of days, and didn't really have anything planned to do... Lately, allowing my days to be self-directed hasn't been a problem at all. But if I'd been paying attention to my own feelings as well as I'd like to be, I would have realized that now is not a good time for me to have the opportunity to watch Netflix all day. I'm going to be vague with this one, but I'm letting go of a lot... Processing an incredible amount of sadness, really. So I do wish I had made plans to keep myself a little bit busier, not to numb any feelings, but so as to avoid wallowing.

But! Today! I'm listening to music, back to blogging, made myself a good breakfast, and I'm going to finish the t-shirt design for Standing Rock. I also might have a new Etsy order! This woman wants six different pieces. I told her it will take me some extra time, and if she's willing to wait, then I would love to make them. So we'll see!

In both accounts, wish me luck! Imma beat this funk and sell some typed stuff.

Water is Life: Standing Rock Introduction

I've decided I'm going up to Standing Rock. A couple of women from my class are taking supplies they've been collecting for the last month or so up there, and I finally asked if I could go with them. We leave in a little more than a week! I'm currently (like this very minute) working on a design for t-shirts I want to sell to help raise funds for Standing Rock.

I just realized I'm spending my Friday night designing this idea for the Standing Rock shirts, and I only feel grateful. I had started worrying about how a friend of mine is doing, and then got to thinking about my friends in college and in the past, I've really felt like I'm missing out. I'm so excited for college, and it's been so hard to continue saying no to the allure of going to school with all of my friends, partying on the weekends (I've never done it, so I'm not sure if it's for me, but that's part of the difficulty is not knowing), and learning... I love learning. 

But. This time when my mind wandered and I started thinking about what those people might be doing tonight, I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel self-righteous, either. Only grateful... I feel so glad to be a part of this movement in my own small way. So glad to be a part of it that I hadn't even noticed I'm giving up precious weekend time in order to be involved. That was a really awesome feeling. 

Also, this is definitely a get hyped post. I'll share the design and the fundraiser campaign very soon! :D Feel that? Hype.

Adventure #21: I Waited

I waited, love.
Sprawled out in the grass
At the fringes of your life
Calling to you

Come get me, love...
Pull me close
Draw me in
To you again

Could you hear me, love?
I said to you I miss you
I love you
I feel you


I left, love.
I fell silent.
I walked far away.


I will call to you again
I will be close to you
I will wait for you again, someday

I will always miss you
I will always love you
I will always feel you


Will you hear me?
Love?

Adventure #22: A Day Alone

I went to Indie Author Day today at the Boise Library. I only went to one panel discussion because it wasn't exactly what I hoped it would be, but it was a valuable experience. Haha um... I learned that I don't want to be a YA author, honestly. It's not for me... The authors seemed to assume that their books couldn't be too complex or deal with profound themes for fear of their younger audience wouldn't be able to understand. I thought that was closed minded and unfortunate. J.K. Rowling, whom one of the authors took offense to, dealt with themes of discrimination, violence, sexism, manipulation, bureaucracy, emotional abuse, and more. With the success of the Harry Potter franchise as my evidence, I think the authors were wrong to assume that complexity in their novels would deter young readers. So I'd rather write about themes that I think are important, and if that means what I write won't be advertised as being for younger readers, then okay. Maybe I will try to change that, too.

One author on the panel kind of had an attitude problem, in my mind... So I was a bit irked by him. Then he made a claim about how characters should never be indecisive. He said it doesn't move the plot forward, it's boring, and it doesn't let anything move or change. So I piped up and said, "Well. Except. Hamlet refused to act and remained indecisive for four acts of the play." To which he responded, "Ahhh yeah preaching Shakespeare! Awesome!" and kind of totally ignored my point, but okay. And then he criticized J.K. Rowling and I became more irked. Dare I say, miffed. 

On the more positive side, I gleaned some valuable information and suggestions about written dialogue, which I greatly appreciated. In my favorite piece of advice, it was suggested that authors could write their characters into different situations, not necessarily relating to their respective novels, and the author could get to know all the nuances of their characters through exploring their reactions and emotions in these contrived situations. I thought that was pretty brilliant. I also have been toying with how to write more short stories, and I like the idea of exploring a single character through disjointed and varied stories. I think I could do a lot with tying those stories together in subtle ways, and I could have a very well developed character for hire after-the-fact.

I was planning on spending most of my day in the library, but I was feeling so many things, and I had to move... I wandered the shelves for a while, breathing the iconic perfume of brilliance on paper, with slow and winding steps, deep breaths, and all silence inside. Then I walked around downtown Boise for 5 hours straight... This post is backdated, so two days later and my calves are still quite sore.

It was a really difficult day. I went and sat in a little triangle of grass on the edge of BSU by the bridge and just sat for another 2 hours... I had a lot to think about, I suppose... It was one of the only quiet places that I could find, too. People walked by, but most didn't notice me and of those that did, some smiled back. I cried often as old and new thoughts came to mind. I watched the sunset, people, and the rubber toes of my shoes.

All in all, it was just a day alone... A day to feel, to walk, and to breathe. 

Adventure #20: Maybe Moved In, Learning to Move On

Hey! I've moved! I'm now living in Meridian, ID with some close family friends. It's not as big of a leap that I'd hoped for, but it's a step in the right direction, I believe. It's kind of a trial period for now, where they're letting me stay here for a little while until I'm sure this will work for me, and if it does, then I might stay. And I definitely cried a lot while I was on the phone with my Dad last night... I miss him so much already...

This time in my life has been so huge in terms of transition. One of my sets of parents got a divorce this summer, all of my friends started college, I graduated, I moved out (maybe), I started a blog, started an Etsy store, I'm writing a novel, my relationship with my best friend and boyfriend of many years has been changing in many ways, and I'm still working on going to Germany soon. It's been amazing to have this blog, too, and to reflect and appreciate all that's been going on in my life. I don't know that I would have appreciated it all quite so completely if I hadn't been sharing it along the way. So I'm very glad that I have had this opportunity, and I hope that it's been valuable to some of you in any way, too!

All of these transitions mean this has been one of the most powerful times in my life, and also the most difficult. I don't know that I have ever felt so much uncertainty so often. I'm learning so much about myself, and while there have been a lot of tears, there also is a great new sense of awareness forming. I'm excited, terrified, sad, confused, and content all at once, almost all the time, lately. But in the deepest part of me, no matter how much turmoil I feel around me, I am becoming still and quiet, for the first time.

To all of you and any of you who read this, thank you for being a part of my journey. <3

To Inspire: Invest In Yourself

Invest in yourself.

Not because everyone will let you down. Some won't.

Not because it's hard to hope. It really can be done.

Not because the world is cruel. It is, but it is also wonderful.

And not because there is nothing else worth investing in. There are many things worth your efforts.

But invest in yourself, too, because we say that the only constant in life is change. But the other constant is you. As long as you are alive, you have yourself. Invest in yourself because you will change, whether you mean to or not. And when you see these changes, you will need to have faith in order to face yourself again and again as you grow. Learn about yourself, know yourself, and grow yourself, because it is possible. And because you will need to know your constants in life, especially when everything changes.

Adventure #18: A Normal Day of Little Adventures

It's today!

I started decoratin my staff today. I honestly don't remember if I mentioned it before, but I made a staff. Now I'm decorating it. Honestly I think it looks super freaking cool, too. Will post pictures tomorrow(?) when I'm finished. It's an adventure because I've never decorated or even made a staff before, and I've never drawn anything like this, especially not on a staff. So, an art adventure! We'll see how it goes :)

I also wrote a lot today. Some really cool ideas and thoughts that I think I will start to share on here as they continue to form. It will help me to explain them to someone other than myself, as it'll mean I will have to solidify my thoughts in order to convey them with any semblance of clarity. So look forward to THAT!

Another everyday adventure today: I took a break from my phone. I checked it a few times, but didn't keep it on me all day, and actually stopped worrying about it after a few mental slaps on the wrist. I only used 10% of my battery life, so I'm pretty proud of that xD And it felt good! It was hard because I'm still letting go of something, but I feel much better about it after a day of practicing being okay.

In other news, I promised myself today that I would quit dismissing something that I just said out of worry that nobody cared. I cared, so I said it, and that's ok!

As always, thanks for the read, and I hope you had a day of little adventures, as well <3

Adventure #17: The Phoenix

Damn! Already missed a day. Oh well. It's the thought that counts, yeah?

So today was a really amazing day. I refer to the Phoenix in the title of this post because I think there are a lot of lessons for me to learn right now in terms of what beginnings and endings really are, and what they can be for me.

Today is a perfect example. I spoke with my dad about moving out and we gained both closure and and agreement about how to move forward. I went to a wedding of a good friend of mine, and promises and commitments, meant for enhancing and ensconcing the love between them, were made. I spent 5 hours making barefoot sandals for the bride, which was definitely new... And all of the other beginnings and endings, newness and oldness, I couldn't describe it to you, yet... But I saw it, felt it, everywhere today.

My boyfriend and I broke up today, too. That one has been more difficult already than I thought it would be... I'm choosing to support him in his choice to be alone for however long it takes for him to find himself. And I'm struggling because even though I had broken up with him for the same thing before, I still had this fantasy that somehow we could find our individuality, together. I'm learning very quickly that it's so important for me to leave him be... And I understand that this can be a powerful opportunity for me, as well. Maybe even if we aren't walking together, we can still walk parallel paths toward self-discovery. That is my hope, at least.

So here's to leaving the door open for new lessons and understanding. Here's to knowing when it's time to be reborn from the ashes of what has been. And here's to accepting the end that must occur for the sake of the rebirth that is to be fueled by newfound potential.

Adventure #15: Meditation for Intuition

I have to be honest, this is probably the hardest thing that I've ever done...

I'm a very analytical person. It used to be that I refused to feel certain emotions if I didn't understand why they had arisen. If I was ever unable to make sense of my feelings, I chose not to feel them. I often had trouble ever letting my mind take a break because my self confidence was so wrapped up in my intelligence. I'm a math person, an arguer (arguments don't need to be fights, look it up), and a thinker.

So I always used to joke that I don't actually have intuition. Turns out, that's not quite true... My counselor explained to me the value of intuition and how in can work in cooperation with the analytical mind. I'd never seen a point to getting touch with my intuition because it was rare that my thinking through something didn't lead me anywhere, especially once I'd become more secure in myself and didn't feel stressed all the time.

But, finally ran into something that I couldn't solve or understand from my current perspective, and now I am working on choosing what to do from this thing inside me that knows what's right for me. It's all an exercise in trust and letting go of control and being patient, all things I'd long avoided practicing by approaching everything analytically first.

So I've been meditating every day for 5 days now, usually twice a day. I sit outside on a rug and eat my yogurt and cereal to just kind of sit and get used to being there... I do some yoga for a few minutes to help relax and focus. And then I meditate, and usually it lasts at least an hour which feels good. Yesterday it was almost an hour and a half where I was actually in meditation and it felt really great.

As for the things I've understood so far, there are just a few small pieces of wisdom that have come to my attention and I don't know how they all fit together, yet, but there's been something new everyday and it all feels like progress.

So I've learned that it is kind to surround yourself with others who are kind. Honestly, it seems so simple, but I'd never thought of it. And it makes so much sense! To surround yourself with people who are kind is to understand that you are worthy of kindness, and to understand that acts of kindness feed more acts of kindness. So this applies well to me right now because I'm in the process of defining for myself what it means for me to be kind.

The second awareness that I remember (I should have been writing these down...) was about rejection. It was just some clarity about the forms that rejection can take and what it means for me.

And the third awareness that I can recall was about a fear that I've been struggling with. I'm afraid to do what is right for me out of fear of hurting other people. Through metaphor, I understood it as this: The tree does not stop growing for fear of casting a shadow. That is to say, I don't need to be afraid anymore of hurting others through my own growth. There is light everywhere, and anyone in growth can choose not to stand in my shadow.

Thank you, as always, to anyone who reads these posts. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them. <3