I have to be honest, this is probably the hardest thing that I've ever done...
I'm a very analytical person. It used to be that I refused to feel certain emotions if I didn't understand why they had arisen. If I was ever unable to make sense of my feelings, I chose not to feel them. I often had trouble ever letting my mind take a break because my self confidence was so wrapped up in my intelligence. I'm a math person, an arguer (arguments don't need to be fights, look it up), and a thinker.
So I always used to joke that I don't actually have intuition. Turns out, that's not quite true... My counselor explained to me the value of intuition and how in can work in cooperation with the analytical mind. I'd never seen a point to getting touch with my intuition because it was rare that my thinking through something didn't lead me anywhere, especially once I'd become more secure in myself and didn't feel stressed all the time.
But, finally ran into something that I couldn't solve or understand from my current perspective, and now I am working on choosing what to do from this thing inside me that knows what's right for me. It's all an exercise in trust and letting go of control and being patient, all things I'd long avoided practicing by approaching everything analytically first.
So I've been meditating every day for 5 days now, usually twice a day. I sit outside on a rug and eat my yogurt and cereal to just kind of sit and get used to being there... I do some yoga for a few minutes to help relax and focus. And then I meditate, and usually it lasts at least an hour which feels good. Yesterday it was almost an hour and a half where I was actually in meditation and it felt really great.
As for the things I've understood so far, there are just a few small pieces of wisdom that have come to my attention and I don't know how they all fit together, yet, but there's been something new everyday and it all feels like progress.
So I've learned that it is kind to surround yourself with others who are kind. Honestly, it seems so simple, but I'd never thought of it. And it makes so much sense! To surround yourself with people who are kind is to understand that you are worthy of kindness, and to understand that acts of kindness feed more acts of kindness. So this applies well to me right now because I'm in the process of defining for myself what it means for me to be kind.
The second awareness that I remember (I should have been writing these down...) was about rejection. It was just some clarity about the forms that rejection can take and what it means for me.
And the third awareness that I can recall was about a fear that I've been struggling with. I'm afraid to do what is right for me out of fear of hurting other people. Through metaphor, I understood it as this: The tree does not stop growing for fear of casting a shadow. That is to say, I don't need to be afraid anymore of hurting others through my own growth. There is light everywhere, and anyone in growth can choose not to stand in my shadow.
Thank you, as always, to anyone who reads these posts. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them. <3