Adventure #60: Spring and Spiky Things

This week has been crazy! I'm on Spring Break at the moment, and have done something new or seen something beautiful every single day for the past several days. 

Yesterday, I walked around downtown Boise for a couple of hours in the rain. I visited Dutch Bros, Rediscovered Books, The Flying M, and any other store that seemed interesting. I went to Pie Hole for dinner, and then walked in the rain some more while I ate pizza. 

I started a new series on Netflix called "Tales by Light", too! I would highly recommend it. The show follows photographers through a few of their projects, and shows the act of photography from the photographers' perspective. I think it's beautifully done, and terribly fascinating.

On Saturday, I spontaneously decided that I had waited long enough, and it was time to cut my hair. I hadn't realized how tired I'd become of my hair being obectified, needing to be brushed twice a day, and feeling so heavy. Those cells had been with me for a very long time, and I had no idea how liberating it would feel to let them go. It's also been freeing to not be able to hide my face anymore, and to not be able to remember what I look like now. I've never had my hair this short before, and I love it! Before and after pictures! 

             

Other of my adventures included walks through the cemetery near our house, walks down by the river, and walks downtown. It feels amazing to be able to go anywhere whenever I feel like it! I don't worry anymore about who I'll run into, or whether or not someone else would enjoy going with me somewhere. I just walk. 

I went shopping for the first time in a long time! Over the last few holidays, I'd been given several gift cards that I decided to use to start making my room feel more livable. At the moment, I have a borrowed bedside lamp that lights up my whole room, and all of my clothes, books, and possessions are in boxes. Still! It's my own room, and I love it. And now I have some lights on the way!

Also I sat down in the grass on campus, and made this thing out of the spiky seeds that drop all over the place. That was a good day. 

On Thursday, I hung out at Camel's Back park with my friend Kris. He put up a couple of slack lines and both showed me up and got me addicted. It's so difficult! We also met Lola, who is the happiest dog I think I have ever met, as I made clear in my snapchat of said happy dog. Then we got Mexican food, walked around another park, and stared up at the clouds for a very long time.

I finally wrote a resume, too! I had been very afraid to in the past, so I'm grateful that I was able to get started on it finally. We'll see how that goes!

I also have gone to coffee with a few friends recently. I met up with my new friend Veronica and we had wonderful conversations about life. I met with my friend Rachel today, and we also had great conversations about life, and laughed at her baby's cute faces! She is incredibly adorable, and lucky to have such a great momma. I've taken myself out for coffee a few times now, and have gotten back into reading, finally! I started "Between the World and Me", and while it's a difficult emotional read, it is incredibly important. I'm very glad to be reading it.

Wow okay, that was a lot. It's been a busy week! Thank you for reading, and I look forward to writing more now, as my adventures seem to be more frequent with the coming of Spring and my newfound determination to remind myself of my freedom. Happy first-day-of-Spring to you, and I hope the sun and rain bring more adventures for you, as well! ^_^ <3

Adventure #59: Damascus Steel

I submitted a poem to the President's Writing Award Contest at BSU today! As promised, here is said poem as it was submitted.


Damascus Steel

blade of loomings
flourished in rivulets
mine and the sky’s

wedding band
of steel and stolen tears
brandish the promise

weep for the clouds, love
resolution forged
Warrior cries

Who loves the world so much he
wipes raindrops from my cheeks
as though they are my own tears

Adventure #58: The Write Time

I realized I want to share what I've been writing, lately. I haven't been sharing the day to day things I've done because I think my writing is a more accurate and honest representation of what my recent life has been like. I make no promises about quality, only authenticity from the moments in which the words were drawn. So I have some catching up to do, but here are some thoughts from several weeks ago.

Stare out the windows and watch for him passing by, with hope and a deep-seated sickness. 

You want to see him, walk near him, turn the corner and face him because neither of you believe in fate.  

You still hope, hope he'll see you, really see you this time, and change his mind, his heart. 

So you keep baring yourself, let him see you even though your hair's a mess and your skin is irritated by the cold.  

And each time, his steps don't falter, his eyes don't brighten, his gaze never lingers.  

And each time you hear, "Don't." 

But you'd like to see him again tomorrow.

And as these were written in the same sitting, in the same state of mind, I think it's appropriate to share them simultaneously as well.

You're missing something. What are you lying about? 

His rejection does make you question who you are. His indifference does make you feel worthless. You're clamoring to share in his sadness or his happiness again. Desperate to know, to feel him. 

It's okay... Little one... You are not invincible. You bared your heart, unmasked your soul, and it's okay that you cried when he looked away. It's alright, Little one... 

Sit in the sun, write, let the tears cast rainbows on your eyelashes, sniffle when your nose runs, shake all over when it's too much, let your arms hang when they feel empty, hug yourself when your chest aches... 

You will find yourself again, Little one... 

Adventure #57: Thanks, Thoreau

So much has happened since I last posted about an adventure... I went to an amazing concert (thank you to my wonderful boyfriend for accompanying me <3), was given a camera (thank you to my wonderful Aunt <3), toured the Anniversary Inn just for fun, wrote poetry every day, packed my things to move into a new place next weekend, and more...

I usually hate to just list what I've been up to, but I had lost the will to describe these events in any kind of detail... I've been focusing on finding my voice in poetry, so I wonder if I needed to just let go of my preferred prose for a while in order to find another piece of my voice.

I do feel like I've accomplished this, to some extent. I've written some form of poetry every day for the last month, and I've really learned so much. It's exciting to be pursuing this finally.

Past inconsistencies explained, this brings me to today.

Today was my first day in quite some time that I've had almost entirely to myself. I took the opportunity to meet with a friend and help them begin to parse Shakespeare's sonnets for a project. I hadn't studied his sonnets before, so I'm glad that I got the chance to help some, and I plan to study them more on my own time as well. Then I got myself lunch, and spent a few quiet hours in the library. I came home and took a much needed nap, too! Later in the evening, I went to a lecture on Henry David Thoreau, and was inspired to return to my blogging.

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but by something in Thoreau's story of learning the histories of his fellow neighbors at Walden Pond, surveying the pond, gardening, writing, and maintaining his philosophies in spite of scrutiny, I felt reminded of the significance of my own small stories. While I believe I can bring more meaning to them through poetry, the simple and honest retelling of my experiences feels somewhat pure... I don't need to bring any more meaning to my stories in this context, as they matter simply because they are real.

Now I desperately need a copy of Walden, as well.

Following the lecture, it was night time, and I wandered a bit, bought myself a small coffee that turned medium, as they were out of small cups, and wandered some more. It turns out that the ILC has four floors. I'd never been higher than the second, and had never thought to before. I looked out at the campus from each floor as I went, then would cross to the other staircase, intending to descend, and realizing that I hadn't noticed another ascending flight, I would take those stairs up, look out the windows, cross the floor, and find a new set of stairs previously unnoticed, as I had been so focused on just exploring whichever floor I knew to be next. On the fourth floor, the view was so beautiful... And there was an odd, small set of stairs leading up to an alcove and a grey door. I hope the door leads to the roof, but it was definitely locked. I did try to open it.

Then I walked home in the most perfect weather I can imagine.

When in the company of books

Don't whisper too softly

or the books will hear your awe

and admire you so much for it,

the pages themselves will

abandon their bindings

and scatter off the shelves.

Adventure #56: Becoming Sin Eater

One of my first written explorations of an idea my friend gave me. I'm trying to use it to help me find and maintain perspective on what I've been going through. So here goes.

Sin Eater

Our everness
all memories and
moments unlived

When my part in your
Soul perished, I gathered
bottled the splinters of your heart

The organizer of pains.
receptacle for fears.
embalmer of essence.

Your
devoted
doteful

Sin Eater.

Adventure #55: College Campesino - Kermit the Frog Erotica

It's going to be difficult to do this one justice. Last night, my friend Derek read us some excerpts from 50 Shades of Grey, in which Anastasia was represented by a very "valley girl meets new jersey girl" voice, a.k.a. "more aggressive valley girl voice", or "New Jersey girl that went to the valley", so describes Derek. Then the supposedly suave and sexy Christian Grey was voiced by Derek's spot on Kermit the Frog impression.

I don't suppose it's easy to imagine, but if you can grasp the idea of Kermit the Frog seducing a young woman with an "aggressive valley girl voice", who also may have some serious daddy issues, then you're halfway there. 

Then imagine that woman talking about 'her inner goddess' dancing the dance of seven veils, something about itty bitty elephants, and borrowing a toothbrush like the dirty girl she is. Aaaaand then Kermit somehow has to play off that, and there's mention of a chocolate starfish.

Okay that was kind of painful to write... I'm sorry to anyone who enjoys 50 Shades of Grey, too! I don't mean to bash it in general because I haven't read it. Just the ridiculousness with which it was relayed to me last night left my abs incredibly sore from laughter. Honestly, it was one of the best things ever. I hope each and every one of you is lucky enough to someday hear Kermit's voice pleading you to "Put the chicken in the fridge."

Adventure #54: College Campesino - Toast Post!

Hi! I'm kind of in college now! I haven't posted in a while because the transition was pretty strange, and I haven't had much time to myself for the last couple of weeks. But here I am! And I have stories!

The first is about toast.

In the dorm where I'm living at the moment, we do not have a toaster. So I had the grand opportunity to educate my roommates about the wonders of alternatively toasted breads.

First, the pan fried bread: We also do not have a microwave yet. I softened butter in the oven so as to make it more amenable to being spread, and that was almost disastrous for sure. But most of the butter was salvaged, bread was much too slowly toasted in a pan, and fun was had by all. Actually I kept accidentally slamming the oven door shut because the spring on it is very effective, and that was terrifying.

But toast! I did it! Kolby was brave and had a bite. He agreed the pan-fried bread/ toast/ whatever Derek said it should be called is better than the average toast.

Second, the oven toast: This is my favorite kind of toast, and my second favorite comfort food. My momma taught me to make toast like this, and I would eat at least 4 pieces of it in one sitting whenever we would make it together. For this particular bit of toastiness, I butter one side of the bread, sprinkle a good amount of cinnamon and sugar on top of the butter, and place the bread with sugar side up in the oven, and set it to broil. Then the sugar and cinnamon caramelize on top, the butter sinks down in the bread a little and softens it, and then the sugar and cinnamon create like a little barrier, so the bread steams underneath and gets so fluffy and soft. It's the best!

This time I made pieces for both Kolby and I, and he said it was great toast :D

Success!

Adventure #53: The Women's March

Yesterday, I attended the Women's March in Boise. The women from my class attended, my family sent good thoughts and lots of encouragement my way, and I was able to go with a couple of my favorite people! In the picture, they are my friend Aidan and his two brothers (their very kind father took the picture), and my friend Kolby! It was an amazing feeling to be personally supported by some of the men in my life, including my own father who was so excited for me and wanted to hear all about the march. It was also a great feeling to know that these men are standing up for all other women in their lives and across the globe, through such a simple act of perfect unity. 

The media coverage of the marches was so uplifting, too! My favorite piece is this article from Slate which captures the strength, optimism, and determination that every one of us shared in. An estimated 2.9 million people marched yesterday in support of women and in opposition to injustice, with a powerful voice. I am truly grateful to everyone who participated. I stood by you, and you stood by me that day... It was an honor, and I choose to stand with you always.

Adventure #52: Snow Day!

I finally made it out in this record-breaking snowfall! To be perfectly honest, during the entire time, I was somewhat concerned that I might get stuck. The snow was easily up to my knees! And! I measured one of the icicles on our roof at more than 5 feet! We're almost caged in by now. 

Even though I couldn't stay out there long because my hands became painfully cold quite quickly, it was such a beautiful day and I'm so glad that I got to take some pictures and be in the cold. I feel so grateful to have grown up in a place where I could take sunsets, snow, and a hearty bird population for granted. These past couple of years have been such an amazing lesson in appreciating all kinds of beauty that the world has to offer, whether it be human or plant or weather pattern. I am truly humbled. 

The tree does not halt its growth in fear of casting a shadow.

Yet, my dear,
you would stunt your own limbs,
for as much light as you hope to gather,
Fear of the shadow you cast is greater.

Let me remind you of your whole.
Your dual being that is both
Light catcher
and dark shedder.

I will joyfully climb your tallest branches to
bask in our sunlight
bathe in the glow of your upmost.

I will gratefully rest in your shadows to
drape the chill upon sun warmed skin
know the breeze stroking eyelids closed.

I will gaze up at your many leaves,
green and dark green
lit and shaded,
in awe and fascination.

And the night
illuminated by the lone moon 
sans sights of the light and darkness,
there you stand.

Skyward tendrils aching
Earth bound roots creaking
Visceral and ethereal
You are Whole.

Adventure #51: Christmas Eve

The days leading up to Christmas have been nothing short of incredible. A couple of lazy days, a few family days, and lots of goodies being baked!

In terms of goodies, I made cupcakes for the first time in too long! I experimented with putting spices in the cream cheese frosting, too. They are so good. We also now have a commendable supply of fudge, lemon winter cake, and peanut butter cookies.

Lately, I've also made a couple of attempts to see my teachers and friends from high school, but to no avail... I had asked my English teacher if I could come visit on Wednesday and she had to cancel last minute... I was more sad than I thought I'd be. I'd been really excited to see her and tell her about all that I've been up to and hear how she's doing. There are so many other teachers and students I was looking forward to seeing, too. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out soon, though! The other event I couldn't make it to went down tonight, where everyone went caroling at my Spanish teacher's house. She lost her son this last year, and she's been on my mind a lot... I so wanted to be there, but my family couldn't find a way to get me there... I'm hoping to send her a letter instead, and let her know I think of her often. She's an amazing woman. I always feel so blessed to have had such incredible teachers in my life. I want to make sure they know it, too.

In other news, I had a great time Skyping my friend Kolby for a couple of hours! Normally I wouldn't write about something quite so specific, but he's been such a great friend to me since I met him, even with all that I've been dealing with. So I just really wanted to take a second to say I appreciate this newfound friendship that's come at a really pivotal time in my life. So thanks, dork :)

And in reference to what's been going on emotionally for me in the recent past, my greatest hope is that all of this will culminate in a new beginning that I've been looking forward to for a very long time. I'm scared to know how things will turn out, but in a strange way, I'm incredibly happy, too. This could be something so wonderful, fulfilling, and loving! I truly hope that I'll be given the chance to find out all that this can become... <3

Last thing! I need to say thank you to all of you! 51 Adventures in just a few months! That's pretty great. And 1,500 views! I honestly never hoped I would gain any kind of following, so it's been a fantastic surprise to find out how many people really are interested in what I'm doing here. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read these and to be invested in my life and my story in this way. It means so much to me. That said, a very happy Christmas Eve to all of you, and goodnight.

Adventure #50: Sleepless

I can't sleep... Rather, I don't want to sleep. The last few nights have been restless and emotional for me... Usually I can sleep no matter what, but I'm too worried tonight. I never have nightmares, either, but I've had some very unsettling dreams.

I've been trying to write, but I've been avoiding too many fears and possibilities for too long... The next plan is to lie on the floor and listen to music until I feel better. I may also make a grilled cheese. We shall see.

I wish I wanted to sleep, but thank goodness for friends who don't want to sleep, either. Sweet dreams to you all, and to all a good night.

Adventure #49: Altschmerz

My best friend, whose name is also David, has started a blog of his own! Virginia Woolfe would be proud of his musings on existentialism, his doodles-to-come, and his impeccable word choice. I've really enjoyed reading his thoughts so far, and I'm so excited to see what else he ends up writing! If you trust my opinion at all, I suggest checking out his blog because he is a very talented writer, an accomplished thinker, and the funniest person I have ever met.

Here is his blog: Altschmerz. Intrigued? You really should be.

Adventure #48: A Spoil Yourself Day

Today was a day. A day of spoils and riches and bubbles. The best day of them all.

My family and I played Clue! I winned and it was fun! It's not a great game for me to employ my hilarious-fake-smack-talk strategy, but we still had a good time!

Then we watched Dead Poets Society together, too. I really love that movie... I recognize the difficulties in the story, in that it is too distant a narrative at times, and somewhat uninvolved in terms of producing the expected effects on the audience, but I still love it. I love that Robin Williams character isn't ever so familiar to us, and that the stories of the different students disrupt the flow of the overall narrative, and that the message in the end is simply upheld. For me, it's a movie that asked me to think about something, and to feel something foreign. I wasn't drug along for the ride, and I'm tending to like that better. Movies and novels that beg the question are my favorite. Others seem to tell you what to ask, then leave you distraught with planted questions pruned back too far, stunted by a final sharp and eerie lilt that is "THE END".

I would much rather be whispered to, and entreated to find meaning in my own life than to be shown exactly where some meaning lies and how it is mine for the grasping.

Wow ok guess it did get me thinking! After the movie, I had the house to myself for a few hours! I played music very loudly and danced in the kitchen. I made a waffle and ate it with ice cream and butter on top :D Then I took a bubble bath that was glorious. And I watched How I Met Your Mother with Bitte until everyone got home :)

I came up with a new technique for my poetry today, too! I'm quite excited about that!

All in all, it was a wonderful day of indulging my sweet tooth, my thoughts, and my mild and temporary case of hedonism.

Adventure #47: Christmas Gifts!

Yesterday, I got to put together Christmas Gifts for my friends and my family! I was such a fun day of music and wrapping paper. My step mom got me a little worried that I'd given too many gifts to one of my friends, but two of them I'd gotten before Christmas and hadn't had a chance to give them to him... So hopefully he doesn't feel like it's too much, and knows that I just give gifts cause I like to :) As for gifts for my family, I sent my little brother and sister books and little stuffed animals that are so cute! I made a typewriter print for my other mom, and found a way to overlay a drawing of mine! I'm really happy with how it turned out :)

Today I'm making a gift for a gift exchange in my women's class, and I think it will turn out great, too ^.^ I might post pictures. I just realized I probably don't post pictures often enough because it's a huge hassle with my phone... I'll try to be better about that.

In other news, I'd forgotten how comfy my unicorn kigurumi is! I don't plan on forgetting that again!

In other other news, registering for classes at BSU has been a pain, but I think I've almost got it figured out! I have to wait for a couple of professors to send me permission numbers for a couple of my courses, and then I'm all signed up! I managed to schedule everything, too, so that I'm done by noon every day. I'm super excited about that.

So yes. Thanks for Christmas, friends and family, unicorns, and good school advisers!

Adventure #46: Day of Solitude

I got to spend today all by myself at home! I've just been at home by myself all day, reading by the fireplace. My favorite story that I read was called Manawee, and the analysis of it was so cool! The story holds so many parallels to my life, and it gave me a new way to appreciate my best friend and all that he is to me. It was a great day <3

Then I also listened to dramatic music while I made grilled cheese for dinner. Then I made another grilled cheese at 1am and ate it while I watched How I Met Your Mother. Grilled cheese is the best. 

Adventure #45: Boise State Bound!

I got my acceptance letter! It came yesterday in the mail while I was hanging out at BSU. I was visiting to check out the house with the three girls I could live with, and I decided I really would like to live with them! They seem like really amazing and kind people. The house is really old and adorable, too. I'll have my own room, I will need to invest in lamps, and they have cats ^.^ I'm so excited to be living with three women who's company I genuinely enjoy and in a house where I really could feel at home.

I won't be able to move in until February, so that means I will be living at home and couch crashing for the month of January most likely, but I'm actually totally okay with that xD It'll be so worth it.

Also! I convinced them that we need a kotatsu!!! They were totally on board, and that's when I figured this was meant to be.

Other miscellaneous adventures of late: I introduced my friend Kolby to the Flying M, and he thought it was pretty great. Also I'm making cookies right now because I needed them. And I'd forgotten how much I love making and finding gifts for people! I wish I had more money with which to give gifts, but I'm digging into my savings a bit to make it happen this year. I love it. I've done some writing lately, too! It was amazing! It had been too long. I'm reading again, too! I read 1984, and then had another dry spell... I don't know what was going on, but I'm glad it's over.

So yays for new friends, kotatsu's, coffee, Christmas, and books.

Adventure #44: A Walk in Winter

I walked...

Not to escape

But rather to grant myself

the crystal air

untouched snow

and slowing river

Companions to my restless thoughts. 

Adventure #43: Acquaintances and Succulents

On Friday, I finally got to visit my friends at BSU! We got Dutch, played with a kitten named Charlie, traipsed around Winco, and made a blanket fort! My friend Kolby and I stayed up super late talking on Friday night, too. It was really great because it's been too long since I've had a friend around who I could talk to like that... I needed to be reminded of how important it is for me to communicate with other people on such a significant level. Then the next night, I stayed up and just hung out (which means fell asleep on the floor) while Kolby and his best friend Derek played League. That was fun for me, too, cause I kept waking up laughing at their jokes xD Then we slept in the blanket fort until about 4 in the afternoon. I wish I had pictures of it! It was so cute all lit up with Christmas lights ^.^

Prince Charlie crouches behind my shoe for protection

From when it first snowed this winter!

I also was able to talk on the phone with one of my favorite humans ever, and she and I might be able to see each other when she makes it home for the holidays!

As for the succulents part of this post title, I got to buy some new glassware to celebrate me finding a place to live! Until this morning, it was practically a done deal, but a new option just fell into my lap. So I'm considering that and working on meeting with the three other girls I might be able to live with! They seem like such amazing people, and I could live in a house with a lower rent than the apartment I was planning on. So we'll see! But either way, there will be plants!

Future Homes for Plants

Whatever happens, I'm scared, excited, and grateful. It was so wonderful to see my oldest friends, and to get to spend time with brand new ones. I'm looking forward to living on my own, growing some plants, and making friends with more new people.